Where are you God?

This blog is the only thing giving me some piece of mind. There isn't anyone I can talk to about it, nobody can fully understand the situation at hand. I mean, there's not much for people to say, things are at an all time low. I saw Jacob's site today...it looked awful. I'm sick with fear; it feels like someone just took a monkey wrench stabbed it in my stomach and just keeps turning it. My appetite is completely gone, I have no interest in eating. Everything looks revolting. It's not because I'm disgusted by his site, it's because I'm disgusted by the cause for all this.

Today was tougher than yesterday....today just plain old sucks. Jacob was in my care this morning because our nurse called out and mom had to do some other things. That's no big deal, I thought I was doing well making sure he didn't twist and keeping him busy. Yet doing it in a way that wouldn't be cause for any ripped stitches. But the final test was when mom went to change his dressing. Those few seconds before all the bandages and splints are taken off/unraveled are the most stressful moments of the day. Today I felt let down, I'm not to the point where my mom is, feeling abandoned by God but I don't understand regardless of our efforts nothing works. It's not even a little opening anymore, it's a gaping hole in his stomach, several layers deep. We aren't talking about a little opening, we're talking about a hole so large that you can look down and see the tissue lining of organs. I had no idea it was this bad, I really didnt. I want to scream, I've cried already- tears don't seem to be working. Does God not see how much agony this child is in? He couldn't just heal this damn thing and let us all live somewhat of a happily ever after with Jacob? I'm horrified, screw summer and screw school none of that matters right now. I screwed up freshman year anyways. There isn't much I care about these days, nobody wants to look at the bright side, there is no bright side to what happened. God hasn't left us or Jacob, but I'm caught between not knowing who to follow; people around me or myself.