Pushing on through

I've tried to write this blog post for a while but I always find myself deleting it. This is not some cheerful, wonderful realization I've had. I'm not a happy go-lucky girl right at the moment. I don't want you to get the impression that I'm waking up with a smile on face and living every day to the fullest like life is perfect. There are things that I'm being led to do by God and I'm anything but pleased with the way he's showing me. But I do not run the world, I do not have any answers. "All I can do is be obedient." (This Is Our Time). 

A new wave of devastation and darkness has bestowed itself upon this family. Every day has its new set of challenges to overcome but at the end of the day, it all comes down to loving everyone to our full capacity. The last few nights have been lonely and dark; full of tears. It is not a cry that I can sit on my bed and just pour my heart out with. It is out of anger, hurt, tragedy, and frustration. It is a full body experience; muscles tense, arms thrown at the floor or wall and still being left with a feeling of helplessness. It is like the feeling you get when you need to stretch and then when you do stretch, it feels good because you were able to release. That is me and crying. The only difference is that the feeling doesn't go away no matter how many times I release.

This is not a path I wish anyone to walk, I wish this wasn't happening. I find myself waking up for today. I don't even bother to think about tomorrow anymore. This horrible, tragic, experience has changed how I view the entire world around me. I can't go on Facebook anymore and look at a picture as if it were just a picture of a person. It is a human life; a living soul; a creation of God's; impacting the world one little breath at a time. The constant stress I've let succumb me throughout my years to the point of mental breakdown is not only ridiculous but it's also nothing compared to what suffering this little boy has been through.

I don't dare complain about the amount of homework I have, a job I don't want to go to, a boy that broke my heart, the annoyance of an asthma attack...I'm so grateful and blessed that God gave me another day. There are other people out there suffering more than I can imagine, one being my brother. I've spent so much time complaining and struggling this year with homesickness and I've only recently realized that the reason I wanted to transfer back home was because of Jacob. One, because it's been a roller coaster all year with the state of his health and also because I think somehow in my self conscious I had this idea that if I were closer to home and could relieve my parents of some of their duties they would be better apt to take care of Jacob. But they nor I can save him. Me moving back is not going to save my baby brother; his site is out of our control, apparently it always has been.

Last night, I felt a strong pull to run into the arms of Jesus, I so desperately wanted to. But, at the same time I didn't because I'm mad. I'm mad that God is allowing my brother to go through this. I was honestly beginning to wonder if he was listening. Such bull for me to even dare  question him. I turned my head away from God and he was still there with open arms and love. How do I know that do you ask? Well,  I was led to watch a movie last night, This Is Our Time and part of me wishes I didn't because my mind sped to the worst outcome for Jacob. However, it was absolutely perfect. I felt that God was speaking through this movie...everything that was said and explained...I honestly thought God and I were sitting in a room together and he was telling me all of of this to my face. It focused on the reason for God's people on Earth. Some accomplish what they are supposed to do earlier than others and are called home sooner. Some have a much clearer path than others and some people, it takes them their whole lives to accomplish all that needs to be done. Although, in some respects, what I just wrote is not correct. The movie was emphasizing that it is not about what you're meant to do for God but it's all about WHO you are supposed to be for him....

I'm here writing this because I want to say something. My brother is taken care of. God has not let him go and never will...Jacob is in the best hands imaginable. So although I may carry on about how sad I am and that I don't like what's happening, it's not my choice. You have to learn to praise God like you would when life is good. That overwhelming feeling of peace and love you feel is always there. Praying because you have to and because you want to hold two different meanings. It's easy to write about how blessed you are when life is going well, I see it all of the time on Facebook and Twitter, I myself do it, even on this blog. It's much harder to write about the glory of God when something is not going your way. That being said, I'm trying my hardest to make the best of what I have and every day is a struggle. But I do it not only because it's the right thing to do but because I really want to.