I probably won't be posting as much anymore, it doesn't look like things are going to change and I see no point in stating the obvious. Today is a little brighter only because I decided to make it a little brighter. In fact, Jacob's site is absolutely worse today, I think this is the worst it's ever been. I don't like to think about it but it looks like this little boy may be earning his wings soon. At most, he has roughly a year left with us. The gastric secretions are eating away his skin, soon they will affect tissues much deeper. You can see his ribs- see them expand and release with every breath he takes. His arms which used to be squishy, are thin; every curve to his arms is visible. He looks at you like he knows what's going to happen. I can't even finish this sentence without crying. I always prayed that Jacob would make it to adulthood but it doesn't seem like that's what God has planned. He needs a miracle, without it he won't make it. If there was a way to showcase my anger and devastation right now through this post I would, but I cannot, so as calm as this post may seem, I am feeling the complete opposite. For every raindrop that has fallen out of the sky today, each one represents the tears we have all shed for Jacob. Life sucks, shit happens, tragedies occur, and this is one of them.
I understand the temptation of wanting to stop praying when you get a bad result, but isn't that what strengthens us? I refuse to believe he's left us here, if anything he has his hands on our shoulders. I know God loves us, I know he loves Jacob and he won't let the suffering last long, whether that means a miracle or Heaven. There's much comfort in knowing God is taking care of him.
I'll leave this blog with a positive thought~ Jacob has three rosaries on his crib and he's been playing with them. He's never touched them before, I doubt he knew they were there. But he holds them tight now, keeping them close. I feel more at peace at this moment, like God is standing over me while writing this but in some ways, I don't want to, because I don't want to accept that it's more than likely I'll lose my baby brother. Then again, I know whatever happens is all in God's plan and he will get us through everything. For now all I can do is continue to pray and enjoy the precious moments left with Jacob. That doesn't mean I won't cry, my heart will forever ache for this child but it does no good for me to mope around. We need to give Jacob the most love and happiness we can for the time he has remaining. As difficult as it all seems, we need to put our stress, anxiety, and fear of the unknown behind us. It doesn't make a difference how cruel we think this is, it's what happened and there's nothing any human can do about it.
I still hold hope in my heart that God will save my brother, that his suffering is for a greater cause; out of nowhere his site will begin to heal.... And with that, I took over the Novena because mom won't say it anymore. I know God hears our prayers...I feel it in my heart and soul. I'm still petrified but God has given me comfort, I think I'm the only one in my family who feels his comfort right now and I'd like to find a way to spread it to the rest of my family. A word of advice~ never take an ordinary day for granted. Those are where the best memories are kept.
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