Does stress mean weakness?

I know I said I was going to continue with my "Thanking God" post but tonight I want to write about something else. This whole blog is really centered around my brother and this particular issue is really bothering me.

School is done for me for about a month so I'm flying back home on Thursday….
This Thanksgiving Jacob was in the hospital; even if it was only a day, a day is still time. Last September is when this whole thing began and by Thanksgiving of 2012 things really started to take a turn for the worst. The day I flew home for Christmas break last year, he was rushed to the hospital. Those entire two weeks leading up to Christmas he was in and out of there.

Can you blame me for not being a little nervous about what's going to happen? I know your response would be to trust God and well, I do. I trust that he's going to get us through anything that comes our way. Since things aren't' always okay with Jacob's health, I don't think about it in terms like that because often times hopes are let down. Trusting he will be okay and nothing will be wrong….let's just say the odds aren't in our favor. Trusting that no matter what happens God will make everything and everyone okay in His way is more like it. I know that sounds like I'm doubting His power and I'm most certainly not. It's just when you wake up almost every morning and you continue to get bad news, you stop looking for a cure for that specific issue because it's much bigger than that. You have to start looking for the overall cure~ whether it be in body or mind. That's what we (my family) do. As much as we'd like to believe Jacob's site will heal, we really can't say we know. The reopening shouldn't have happened and yet again doctors/surgeons are baffled. If that can happen then anything can happen.

Maybe this is me being too dramatic. Perhaps I'm winding down to a point where everything and anything that has been on my mind is floating to the surface. I truly don't know. I see all of these children who have the exact same issues as Jacob and they are passing away….it scares me.

Though on another note, over Thanksgiving break I was able to see the change in my family's faith. It's grown significantly and you can feel it. God is just about the center of every conversation we have. We depend on him indefinitely. I don't believe that we didn't before but I think that it's more pronounced now.

I do feel better after writing this; feeling God's graces wrapped around me. If I can feel his love after seeing the monster I had become then I know he will be by my side through whatever happens or already has happened. An added thought, I recently thought about the person I had become over the last month(s) and it terrified me. I couldn't help but feel weary about who this person sleeping in my bed and walking around my apartment was because it couldn't have been me. But indeed, it was me. A sinister, sinful, lost soul. And after all of that God still helped me and put me back on track. He let me wake up the next day and try again. That's not something to take for granted. Not at all. So maybe that's how I need to treat the unknowns of Jacob. As far as I know, he's doing extraordinary. I could be totally wrong but I wouldn't know. It's something to be dealt with only when I do know. In other words, I shouldn't cloud empty, ready to expand thoughts with my unknown worries. God has got this.

Faith, a beautiful thing it is. A beautiful, delicate, never failing, thing it is…..

Thanking God

It's midnight and I have a Psychology final tomorrow morning. But I cannot hold it in anymore! I am joyous tonight for God has saved me! I have been quite worried about the state of my soul lately….
Overall I've just felt less drive in life, confusion about everything, pride overtaking, and my vulnerabilities overpowering my spirit. Maybe that doesn't sound so bad to some but sitting in church earlier, I realized I have been a bad girl.

Lately, I haven't felt God's graces to the degree I usually do. It's been unusually less present. Now before everyone gets in a tizzy, it is not that God's graces weren't there. I believe they always are it's just a matter of if we let them in or not. With my pride overtaking my being well, it blocked out God. How horrific! Really, sitting here and admitting this is pretty brutal. The one who gives me unconditional love, takes care of me every moment of every day, helps the ones I love, promises me a place in His kingdom. How could I ever let such an abomination occur? Don't spit out that "you're human" crap because that's not an excuse ever. This is not a lesson I needed to learn because I should've already learned it. I had every cue that I was going against God's wishes and I did it anyways because it was what I wanted. There's the problem….there are too many "I's" in that sentence. It's not about ME it's about HIM. I really realized it last week. When I had been without His graces for a good few weeks and then one morning, I was sitting in one of the buildings at my college and was reading "Darwin Arkwright" for my Children's Literature class and I felt an overwhelming feeling of His love and grace. I really wanted to cry it seemed it had been so long. But it wasn't so random because I had learned something that morning (or processed it I should say). Being a Psychology major can be a great challenge. Not as much as other life struggles but nonetheless it can make or break you. There are many psychological disorders that I believe are complete bullshit and that it's a matter of having Jesus in your life. Well, after reading about all of these disorders it was easy to get caught up in the factual information. I started to believe everything I read and I fell victim to false beliefs.

The problem with any science is that it removes God from the equation completely; you are looking for an explanation you can prove, not one you say you 'just know.'
So it was at that very moment that I realized my purpose in life. It's not to help children, it is not to get married, or travel the world. It has nothing to do with any of my ambitions. The only desire that really matters to me is that my only purpose be to live for God. Everything else will fall into place exactly as He wants it to.

Truthfully, I cannot think of a time where God's plans were worse than mine. Sure, maybe they were harder to achieve but they worked out in the very best way. It was in the moment of being without God's graces (from blocking them out) and then opening up to receive them again that I realized I have nothing if I don't have God. Those were some dark, spiritually restless, and petrifying times. I had no idea what was happening to me. I knew if I pressed on and prayed that I'd find my way back but what was key is what I had done to wind up where I was.

I'll continue the rest of this post when my finals finish…….

Prayer Request

What is life? It's not an emotion, you can't touch it but you can experience it.

Is there any one word that defines the capacity of experience?

You can't put a limit on experience. Nor can you put a limit on your life. I don't care if an experience lasts for only a few minutes, the initial feelings it brought to you, the thoughts that flooded your mind, and the influence it had on that moment and your life are endless.

Jacob's feeding site is breaking down again. My parents didn't tell me until I came home Wednesday and I'm grateful because if they told me while away at school I would've had a breakdown for sure. It's a weakness that I certainly have to work on….but anyways, it's leaking a significant amount. I knew something was wrong when I looked at the pictures my mom sent me of him at his "Feast Day" at school. He had the binder on which has been off since he had the nj tube placed. Once that was removed, he had the bolus feedings and it was still off. I was also on the phone with my mom and I overheard in the background my dad in anguish saying "it's wet, It's soaking wet!" But today confirmed my fears and put my doubts to rest.

Jacob is not only leaking again but he's losing weight. He recently went back to his specialist who changed his feedings completely to compensate for the loss of protein (they were having a lot of trouble keeping his protein levels up.) I think about 2 weeks ago, he went back in to see his surgeon and wound up having to have sutures placed again. They have never worked before so why would they work now? All of the progress made; the healing of his site; it's deteriorating. And since his site is getting bigger and not smaller, they have placed the nj tube back in. It's not a painless procedure might I add...

It's times like these where I think about the moments where I was lazy or complained too much. Not wanting to drive to get groceries or having a professor testing us on material we haven't learned; all small "problems" if you look at the big picture. But if I'm being totally honest, they are not problems at all. As long as I do my best and put my trust in God, he gets me through anything and everything so school really shouldn't be that stressful, because it always works out in the end. I guess a small part of me confesses these things in hopes that it would change the outcome/reality with my brother. But realistically, I know it won't.

So with all said, he's not doing so well. Things could be worse but things could definitely be better. It's been a sad day. And we don't know what to expect next. Any prayers would be greatly appreciated. I'm not sure what God's plan is here….this little boy's struggle seems endless.

The Wannabe Facebook Status

This past weekend I've been really down in the dumps. Sure, I've had my moments of pure happiness only given to me by the grace of God but somehow I still allowed myself to feel sad. Homesickness has definitely been the biggest struggle and today it slammed me. I didn't cry (almost) but I woke up sad with a heavy, lonesome feeling. Not even the Disney Parade soundtrack cheered me up (okay I lied, Disney helped a little.)

In addition, I've had some financial struggles affording groceries; turkey slices and cheese slices is what I've been living on for the past 2 weeks. I mean, it's food so no complaints here! But I ran out of them today and I felt the physical effects of not eating. I didn't know what I'd be able to afford~ I figured more turkey and cheese slices plus maybe a frozen meal. I just needed to eat and that was all I knew. 

So on the way to Target  K-LOVE Radio was playing and at first they were talking about a man who had a deadly form of brain cancer and how he learned family was the most important thing in this life (besides God.) He said something along the lines that 'If things go well, I got to spend more time with my daughter. If things go bad I got to spend more time with my daughter." I almost lost it at that point because I am far away from my family and I understand how important they truly are. But then they mentioned this bible verse: "I have learned the secret to being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or living in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." ~Philippians 4:12

Not only did God give me some much needed strength to push on through but he helped me realize that I need to be content because it is all going to be okay; God loves me and that's absolutely enough. In addition, He helped me out food wise~ there was a big sale on most gluten-free products at the store today.  

Transition to adulthood

I encourage a happy life and stress the importance of family, yet here I am far away from my family. I'm feeling down tonight..well really it's been the last few days. I had a job interview this past week which got me thinking I should apply to more jobs. I just felt like God was telling me I should keep trying. I know my dreams, desires, and ambitions.

God also has instilled great confidence in me that I am on the right path (for now). That being said, the main source for my sadness is I can't have a job here in Charlotte and still go home to my family for the holidays. The more opportunities God puts in from of me, the more I have to tell my family I won't be coming…..

It just broke me because I had a very serious conversation on the pone with my parents about this. My mom was sad and she doesn't get sad that often, she's always the one telling me to get over myself (with good reason) but not this time. Both my parents told me to "do what I have to do." Well, what does that mean? It's being said in a quiet, melancholy tone so do I skip the job and go home? Or, do I actually do what I have to do? I'm telling you, this adult life is a great challenge.

I know God is going to take care of it all and there should be nothing to worry about. But indeed one of my flaws, I am worried. I've never spent a holiday alone. I don't even like being in Disney alone! Spending Christmas and Thanksgiving without the ones who mean the world to me? They aren't going to be around forever….

It's almost confirmed that I won't be going home for the summer and if I'm actually working, I won't be home for Spring Break or Easter either. This sounds like a bunch of guilt and regret seeping through the seams of a tied up heart. Yes to guilt but not to regret. If I tell the ones close to me in Charlotte, I know many will interpret it as in I want out of Charlotte. And that is absolutely not the case. I just happen to be in the part of the country where family is above all else; they actually have family day on Sunday. You eat big meals together and see extended family….what is that? It's new to me. The significance of all of this is simply just that the more involved I get in life down in Charlotte, the less time I get to spend at home. Is that really how it's supposed to be? God teaches me the importance of loved ones and how to live in the moment yet, I am not to be with them for very long? I don't understand. In fact, this entire blog post is a nightly prayer for me.

My family and friends are alive and well so what have I to complain about? I keep telling myself everything is going to work out just beautifully, as it always does with God at the center of it. But I cannot hold it in anymore, I'm still nervous.

It's all good

THIS IS THE LIFE! For the first time in many months, my biggest concern is school. I cannot even begin to explain how blessedly awesome that is! All of my brothers are stable and doing well. Usually we only get a week of that but it's been two weeks going on three! I'm grateful for every extra day God gives us with this new found freedom. I truly forgot what it feels like to have everyone in good health. You really cannot put a price on that.

That being said, Jacob was breathing on his own (without machines) on Sunday, my other brother with the infected lip is in school and absolutely thriving. My parents thought that his lip was going to give us serious trouble again but it seems to be holding for now. To continue with the good news, Jacob has started bollis feeding again! I'll try to explain as best as I can….

His nj tube had clogged and they went and removed it because the feeds he was getting through his g tube in his stomach (by machine) were staying in and there were no signs of leaks. After the nj tube was removed he started receiving the bollis. Basically it is just a giant plastic syringe that you put the feedings through. The syringe connects to a port opening in the g tube and voilà! Jacob receives his fluids, medications, and feedings. According to my parents he is much happier this way ( I think I would be to). The reason being, he is being fed all at once like most people are. With the routine machine feedings, he continuously receives a set rate of tube feeding over the course of 24 hours. His rate on the machine was 80. After his stay in the hospital they increased it to 95. Now, he doesn't even use the machine!

This truly feels like a fantasy to me. I was grateful and blessed (I still am) for the blessings given to me in hard times but now there's no thought of hospitalizations, surgeries, or doctors. It is the greatest feeling! My parents aren't juggling going back and forth between the hospital, work, and home. They can be with each other without having to separate and it's just too wonderful for words. I recognize that this may all be temporary but I'm enjoying it while it lasts.

I felt joy within me throughout the rough times in the previous year so I ask myself what's different now in good times? And in truth, I don't have an answer. God is constant, He has been there through everything, He's been here through the good and the bad times. In essence, whether you feel you're in a good or bad place, every moment depends on what you make it. The grace God offers you in bad times doesn't change in good times because He is always by your side; that will never change. So, the moment is really all up to you…it is whatever you want to make of it.

There's no real answer

It's been a while I know---

You can choose to live life depressed about the circumstances dealt out to you. Or you can be happy for what has been given to you and choose to bask in the glory of God's blessings. 

A week ago I willingly chose to be upset; I walked around campus late that night, in tears, out of fear and frustration. Things were like a water balloon; the world's circumstances can only "squeeze me" so much. The more hands involved in squeezing that balloon, the more likely it will pop. The more challenges dealt out to me, the harder it gets to relax and cope without exploding myself. I know this isn't about me but I can't deny that I feel affected by my brothers illnesses as much as everyone back at home. I've hesitated saying that because I don't want sympathy or empathy from that. I just want people to understand that I still have to work on my strength.

I'll start with Jacob first: He is doing well....for the first time in a while. His feeding site looks remarkable compared to what it has been; it is almost completely healed. His NJ tube did clog and my parents have begun feeding him through his g tube. So far, that seems to be working; no signs of leakage or damage to the skin. There's no guarantee it will stay that way because before I came home it had actually gotten worse again. But so far, he seems to being doing well.

My other brother: The hardest part for me is that I flew home two weeks ago for fall break and saw him....he was at white as a corpse, not super energetic, and not eating well. Anyways, I woke up that following Sunday I returned to school and had this gut-wrenching feeling in the pit of my stomach. I know my stomach pains....this didn't hurt like it was sick, it hurt like something bad was about to happen or was happening. My first reaction is always to check on family because nine times out of ten, that's the cause for it. But when I first texted my mom she said everyone was doing great. Then I thought it must be on my end; my abusive ex from high school trying to get in contact with me, a new, poisoness friendship, an illness I have....you get the idea. However, I called my mom that night for another reason and then the truth came out. My brother's lip is getting worse, the infection was never cured and he will wind up back in the hospital soon.

I think the most important revolution I've arrived at, is every time something happens like this, I spend less and less time sulking. The reason I say this is because I'm not perfect at moving on. I'm finding that every time someone proceeds to tell me that I'm strong and they don't know how I do it....being far away with all this going on; I'm reminded of what I actually am doing. Of course I think about it on my own and do struggle. But I tend to let it get to me even more so, when others tell me it. In a way, it brings the negative feelings back to the surface. Evidently people are not purposely doing this. I understand completely what they are trying to say but it's still hard. I find myself when trying to update people on the current situation that I still fight not to break down into tears. There's really no conclusion to this particular blog post. I am in the process of writing it; writing it in a sense that I'm presently working on getting my feelings completely in check.

Writing is my way to analyze and organize my life; I've gone through a lot of self discovery through the last few weeks. Too much to really blog about. In truth, I've been working on trying to put life's circumstances in a box, tie it up in a bow and place it (mentally) on a shelf. That way I could focus on the life in front of me. You see, it doesn't matter where I am in the world, what happens with my brothers would happen even if I were on the other side of the world. Distance isn't the main issue. It's the reason behind it all. Why my family? Why now? Why is it that my family has one week at best where hospitalization is not a factor? I don't know, I don't think I'll ever know. I've got to stop trying to understand why and start asking how. How do I balance this? How can I strengthen my relationship with God through this? And how can I help my family at home?