I know I said I was going to continue with my "Thanking God" post but tonight I want to write about something else. This whole blog is really centered around my brother and this particular issue is really bothering me.
School is done for me for about a month so I'm flying back home on Thursday….
This Thanksgiving Jacob was in the hospital; even if it was only a day, a day is still time. Last September is when this whole thing began and by Thanksgiving of 2012 things really started to take a turn for the worst. The day I flew home for Christmas break last year, he was rushed to the hospital. Those entire two weeks leading up to Christmas he was in and out of there.
Can you blame me for not being a little nervous about what's going to happen? I know your response would be to trust God and well, I do. I trust that he's going to get us through anything that comes our way. Since things aren't' always okay with Jacob's health, I don't think about it in terms like that because often times hopes are let down. Trusting he will be okay and nothing will be wrong….let's just say the odds aren't in our favor. Trusting that no matter what happens God will make everything and everyone okay in His way is more like it. I know that sounds like I'm doubting His power and I'm most certainly not. It's just when you wake up almost every morning and you continue to get bad news, you stop looking for a cure for that specific issue because it's much bigger than that. You have to start looking for the overall cure~ whether it be in body or mind. That's what we (my family) do. As much as we'd like to believe Jacob's site will heal, we really can't say we know. The reopening shouldn't have happened and yet again doctors/surgeons are baffled. If that can happen then anything can happen.
Maybe this is me being too dramatic. Perhaps I'm winding down to a point where everything and anything that has been on my mind is floating to the surface. I truly don't know. I see all of these children who have the exact same issues as Jacob and they are passing away….it scares me.
Though on another note, over Thanksgiving break I was able to see the change in my family's faith. It's grown significantly and you can feel it. God is just about the center of every conversation we have. We depend on him indefinitely. I don't believe that we didn't before but I think that it's more pronounced now.
I do feel better after writing this; feeling God's graces wrapped around me. If I can feel his love after seeing the monster I had become then I know he will be by my side through whatever happens or already has happened. An added thought, I recently thought about the person I had become over the last month(s) and it terrified me. I couldn't help but feel weary about who this person sleeping in my bed and walking around my apartment was because it couldn't have been me. But indeed, it was me. A sinister, sinful, lost soul. And after all of that God still helped me and put me back on track. He let me wake up the next day and try again. That's not something to take for granted. Not at all. So maybe that's how I need to treat the unknowns of Jacob. As far as I know, he's doing extraordinary. I could be totally wrong but I wouldn't know. It's something to be dealt with only when I do know. In other words, I shouldn't cloud empty, ready to expand thoughts with my unknown worries. God has got this.
Faith, a beautiful thing it is. A beautiful, delicate, never failing, thing it is…..
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