This is my journey. My mom says that Jacob was put in our life to show us how to do our walk in life. So all who have been reading this, have been following me since my first blog. Although this has been a year long battle with my brother, I didn't start blogging about it until 3 months after. Nonetheless, a year ago from today, I was only at the stage of questioning the events. Evidently I still question, but the difference is that I have no expectancy for an answer. Questioning is a natural response for all of us, it is how one learns. But it is not always paired with an answer. At least, not right away.
Through this past year, I have learned many life lessons. We are not talking about just one or two no, we are talking about 10 or more. With that, I have received answers to questions; not necessarily the ones that I put on top priority but they were certainly necessary. One of them was about a guy I was in love with. Some may argue that there is no "was" and that it is always "is." And you're absolutely right, I am and always will be in love with this guy. However, not in the same way. The reason I'm mentioning this is because this burning question distracted me from what I knew truly mattered.
I used to ask myself "Why did I still feel this way" and "Was anything going to happen?"
God's answer: My love for him was pure and true. His was not; you can obviously say "I love you" and not mean it. And he didn't mean it. That's the big hump I had to get over, I loved him, he didn't love me and that was okay. He was put in my life not only as a lesson but to help me through some very rough times last year. He introduced me to the bible and brought me to a church that still today, I hold very near and dear to my heart.
It's pathetic and sad but all that my brother taught me over the summer was lost when I focused on this guy. It was by no means the guy's fault, it was how "emotionally invested" I was. I got caught up in trying to develop a friendship that would never work. I wasted an entire semester on someone who was only passing through in my life.
I know this doesn't apply to anyone in particular but maybe the situation is somewhat relatable. I see so many Facebook statuses and tweets about finding "the one." Guys don't really do this but girls, we are all guilty. We post statuses about wanting that special someone to cuddle with, watch movies with, go out to the city with, and be there to help us through life's toughest trials. We are all asking for someone to be there in the good and bad times. Though in reality, we have already been given someone….GOD!!!!
~Will He leave you? No.
~Does He cheat on you? NEVER.
~ Does He answer when you call? Yes.
~Can you trust him? Yes.
~Does He LOVE you? Forever and always.
I know you can't cuddle with him but he can give you graces that are more valuable and entwined with His love…maybe he's not exactly watching movies with you, but he is actually with you. The point is, God is always there and He never leaves. If we would stop focusing on temporary matters, happiness could come more freely and from the right source~ Heaven sent.
The reason I am writing about this, is because it took this journey to learn what matters most in my life, what I'm living for, and how I need to live each day. With that said, I cannot possibly write out everything that has changed in my life. That would be too long and besides, I feel that that is something between me and God. That's my personal life and it's best that you analyze your own.
When you take apart your life, you'll find that the less important details fade away and only the strong and consistent details stay. When something important to you is in danger of leaving, you begin to do some serious prioritizing of your life. That's what I did when I learned how life threatening Jacob's condition was. Suddenly, that guy that you have always liked fades away, the want for new clothes is no longer mentioned, friend time becomes less as you work to spend more time with family, and your faith, it begins to develop an iron (only because I think that's a strong material) guardian around it. Above all things, that becomes the center of life. And to be honest, when you realize how truly survivable life is without all of this extra stuff, it is a gift that can never be returned.
I am stressed to the point where I think my body could shut down from all that is happening around me. I look at other 19 year olds and realize how ridiculously different my life is. But I am more HAPPY than I've ever been in my life! Allowing God into my life is what gives me that irreplaceable joy and content feeling in my soul…any day and any time; good or bad; scared or content; relaxed or enraged. I don't always do the right thing and I don't always understand God's purpose (like with Jacob's battle) but the one thing I do understand is His love.
I am tearing up because I know I'm going to be okay; my family is going to be okay. That blog about "Thanking God" well here's the other half…I have been selfish and allowed my pride to overtake everything. What I wanted was this guy and that's not what God had planned. I wanted this job over the holiday season but God brought me home instead. I want my brother to live a long life and to walk on his own. God has never failed me in doing what's best. I think I know best but I do not. I'm a little human who gets myself into troubles that I cannot get out of alone.
In truth, I have been delaying this post because I was mainly trying to get to a better place with my faith. I knew I wasn't where I needed to be and tonight felt like the night that everything started to make sense again. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I did over the summer; allowing God back into my heart fully; not when I wanted or needed him. But because I simply just love him, and want him to be there.
I want this surgery to work tomorrow~ this be it, the end of the fight. Those of you reading this, many of you think the same. But I know very well by now that there is a possibility it won't work. We don't aim to give my brother a quantity-full life. We aim to give him a quality life. I know some of you reading this are going to tell me to have hope and faith that it will work out wonderful. But you need to understand that we need to prepare our hearts for the worst. I am not lessening my expectations but I am keeping an open mind…for the good and bad. When the days become so inconsistent, you need something consistent to hold on to. I hold on to God knowing and believing whatever happens tomorrow and the days to come is how it's supposed to be. That's not wrong.
I have been so darn focused on things that really don't matter that I've lost sight of all that matters (again, I am not explaining all; refer to my beginning blogs). But tonight, I feel strong; all that I care, whether I'm saddened or overjoyed, is I want my faith and hope to hold strong. I know I've mentioned before that things are done as a last resort but I really mean it this time. This is the absolute last thing we can try. There is nothing that anyone else can try that hasn't already been done. If any other options are brought to the table, it's purely another God given miracle.
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