Thanking God

It's midnight and I have a Psychology final tomorrow morning. But I cannot hold it in anymore! I am joyous tonight for God has saved me! I have been quite worried about the state of my soul lately….
Overall I've just felt less drive in life, confusion about everything, pride overtaking, and my vulnerabilities overpowering my spirit. Maybe that doesn't sound so bad to some but sitting in church earlier, I realized I have been a bad girl.

Lately, I haven't felt God's graces to the degree I usually do. It's been unusually less present. Now before everyone gets in a tizzy, it is not that God's graces weren't there. I believe they always are it's just a matter of if we let them in or not. With my pride overtaking my being well, it blocked out God. How horrific! Really, sitting here and admitting this is pretty brutal. The one who gives me unconditional love, takes care of me every moment of every day, helps the ones I love, promises me a place in His kingdom. How could I ever let such an abomination occur? Don't spit out that "you're human" crap because that's not an excuse ever. This is not a lesson I needed to learn because I should've already learned it. I had every cue that I was going against God's wishes and I did it anyways because it was what I wanted. There's the problem….there are too many "I's" in that sentence. It's not about ME it's about HIM. I really realized it last week. When I had been without His graces for a good few weeks and then one morning, I was sitting in one of the buildings at my college and was reading "Darwin Arkwright" for my Children's Literature class and I felt an overwhelming feeling of His love and grace. I really wanted to cry it seemed it had been so long. But it wasn't so random because I had learned something that morning (or processed it I should say). Being a Psychology major can be a great challenge. Not as much as other life struggles but nonetheless it can make or break you. There are many psychological disorders that I believe are complete bullshit and that it's a matter of having Jesus in your life. Well, after reading about all of these disorders it was easy to get caught up in the factual information. I started to believe everything I read and I fell victim to false beliefs.

The problem with any science is that it removes God from the equation completely; you are looking for an explanation you can prove, not one you say you 'just know.'
So it was at that very moment that I realized my purpose in life. It's not to help children, it is not to get married, or travel the world. It has nothing to do with any of my ambitions. The only desire that really matters to me is that my only purpose be to live for God. Everything else will fall into place exactly as He wants it to.

Truthfully, I cannot think of a time where God's plans were worse than mine. Sure, maybe they were harder to achieve but they worked out in the very best way. It was in the moment of being without God's graces (from blocking them out) and then opening up to receive them again that I realized I have nothing if I don't have God. Those were some dark, spiritually restless, and petrifying times. I had no idea what was happening to me. I knew if I pressed on and prayed that I'd find my way back but what was key is what I had done to wind up where I was.

I'll continue the rest of this post when my finals finish…….