There's no real answer

It's been a while I know---

You can choose to live life depressed about the circumstances dealt out to you. Or you can be happy for what has been given to you and choose to bask in the glory of God's blessings. 

A week ago I willingly chose to be upset; I walked around campus late that night, in tears, out of fear and frustration. Things were like a water balloon; the world's circumstances can only "squeeze me" so much. The more hands involved in squeezing that balloon, the more likely it will pop. The more challenges dealt out to me, the harder it gets to relax and cope without exploding myself. I know this isn't about me but I can't deny that I feel affected by my brothers illnesses as much as everyone back at home. I've hesitated saying that because I don't want sympathy or empathy from that. I just want people to understand that I still have to work on my strength.

I'll start with Jacob first: He is doing well....for the first time in a while. His feeding site looks remarkable compared to what it has been; it is almost completely healed. His NJ tube did clog and my parents have begun feeding him through his g tube. So far, that seems to be working; no signs of leakage or damage to the skin. There's no guarantee it will stay that way because before I came home it had actually gotten worse again. But so far, he seems to being doing well.

My other brother: The hardest part for me is that I flew home two weeks ago for fall break and saw him....he was at white as a corpse, not super energetic, and not eating well. Anyways, I woke up that following Sunday I returned to school and had this gut-wrenching feeling in the pit of my stomach. I know my stomach pains....this didn't hurt like it was sick, it hurt like something bad was about to happen or was happening. My first reaction is always to check on family because nine times out of ten, that's the cause for it. But when I first texted my mom she said everyone was doing great. Then I thought it must be on my end; my abusive ex from high school trying to get in contact with me, a new, poisoness friendship, an illness I have....you get the idea. However, I called my mom that night for another reason and then the truth came out. My brother's lip is getting worse, the infection was never cured and he will wind up back in the hospital soon.

I think the most important revolution I've arrived at, is every time something happens like this, I spend less and less time sulking. The reason I say this is because I'm not perfect at moving on. I'm finding that every time someone proceeds to tell me that I'm strong and they don't know how I do it....being far away with all this going on; I'm reminded of what I actually am doing. Of course I think about it on my own and do struggle. But I tend to let it get to me even more so, when others tell me it. In a way, it brings the negative feelings back to the surface. Evidently people are not purposely doing this. I understand completely what they are trying to say but it's still hard. I find myself when trying to update people on the current situation that I still fight not to break down into tears. There's really no conclusion to this particular blog post. I am in the process of writing it; writing it in a sense that I'm presently working on getting my feelings completely in check.

Writing is my way to analyze and organize my life; I've gone through a lot of self discovery through the last few weeks. Too much to really blog about. In truth, I've been working on trying to put life's circumstances in a box, tie it up in a bow and place it (mentally) on a shelf. That way I could focus on the life in front of me. You see, it doesn't matter where I am in the world, what happens with my brothers would happen even if I were on the other side of the world. Distance isn't the main issue. It's the reason behind it all. Why my family? Why now? Why is it that my family has one week at best where hospitalization is not a factor? I don't know, I don't think I'll ever know. I've got to stop trying to understand why and start asking how. How do I balance this? How can I strengthen my relationship with God through this? And how can I help my family at home?