I yearn for the day that my brother will be okay. I'm sick and tired of living every day to the fullest because I have to. I want to live every day to the fullest because I choose to. A memory with Jacob not being sick is so far in my mind. I honestly cannot think of that day...how it felt; what it was like. It's like the feeling of winter. Snow is constantly falling and covering the ground. Everything is dead and then when spring comes around, it serves as our reminder of what we didn't have in those winter months. I so desperately want to see those flowers spring from the ground, be reminded of the vibrant colors that come with a season change. Today is one of those days that no matter if the sun is shining, I listen to an upbeat song, or watch my favorite movie, the sadness does not lighten. I'm not depressed, I''m just frustrated, confused, and tired.
I woke up today feeling like someone had taken cinder blocks and put them on top of every part of my body. My body feels heavy, as if it takes work to lug this thing around everywhere. Watching my friends live a worry-free summer almsot makes me mad. They are going to the beach, waking up with no plans for the day, and sitting by the pool sipping iced tea with not a care in the world. Their only concern is that they don't get too much sun. Then there are others that have their fantasy summer loves. I can't even imagine....it must be wonderful. I guess what counts is even though I feel drained spiritually, I still have a few drops left. A few more than I did the last time life was so low.
The other day, I had an extremely tough time. Something had happened and I had failed to "love like Jesus does." I'm not going to go in further detail because it's personal. Nevertheless, I was sitting in our dining room, staring out the window. I wasn't in the position to cry out to Jesus so I kept it to myself and just prayed a rosary. I longed for some type of support because I really had no idea how to fix what I had just done, more so what I hadn't done. All of a sudden, there was this little fruit fly that flew on to my chest. Now it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that I don't like bugs. Anything made with chitin I do not like. I've seen enough "Untold Stories of the ER" to be fearful of these little critters. They can fly into your outer extremities and it's just disgusting. So that being said, even the smallest fruit fly would make me get up and leave. But this one didn't. In fact, it felt like this little fly had been my friend forever; that I've known this bug my entire life. I cannot explain it, I really thought I was crazy. With everything going on in life, it wouldn't surprise me the least bit if I became a little insane. But because this little fruit fly served as my comfort I asked God. I basically told him exactly what I just wrote. At that point, I had gotten up because one of my brothers got into something they shouldn't have. And when I came to sit down in that exact same spot it was gone. So again, I asked God for some type of comfort and the fruit fly came back to my chest. It hovered around my heart. Now I know what you're thinking, this couldn't possibly be anything significant. But someone last year had told me that there was no such thing as coincidences and he himself didn't believe in them. That has stuck with me ever since. There was utter peace and grace that washed over me in that fly's presence.
I knew I was crashing ever so slightly towards the beginning of the week. I was hoping that every new day I woke up, I would shove this feeling down a bit further and rise above it. Jacob is really not doing well. We are allowing him "tummy time" because we've exhausted all of our recourses. It's the quality of life that makes a difference for him. We (my family) really thought that we were getting the upper hand on his site. But he's crying out in his sleep and his dressings are saturated again. His site looks awful; you can tell the secretions have reached his skin.
As I type this, I'm sitting across from Jacob's bed downstairs watching the kids play. Jacob just looked up at me and smiled...is it okay to cry in front of a child? That smile of his could melt the ice off of anyone's heart. It's just so pure. It can be a challenge to be happy 24 hours a day and sometimes, you fall. Today as I type this blog, I have definitely fallen. When tomorrow rolls around, I've got to pick right back up as if nothing is wrong and continue the day with a smile on my face, because one day, everything will be okay. I'm just not sure how soon that day will come. So with that said, I have to cut my losses and remember that God gave me today. When I finish this post, noting can be wrong. Happiness and fulfillment become the remainder of the goals because of Jacob. Regardless of the pain he may be in, he still manages to smile like nothing is wrong.
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