Will I ever learn? I want to.

Where have I been God? Here in Florida of course but really where have I been? So much of my day is consumed with thinking about what has to be done for the day and what I want to do after this internship ends. I think about a career, my future boyfriend, what state I'll be in...I daydream. Yes, those thoughts keep me going on some of the tougher days but then I get to times like these and I question why did I ever waste my time with those?

Here we are again with AJ and he is sick.... What do you mean he's not responding to antibiotics? Is that even an option? I know better than to ask You why but why God? Why my brother? This was everyone's worst fear, him getting an infection because this is almost what took his life the last time.

All of a sudden, those feelings of fear of the unknown, dread, and worry flood my mind. It is so clear in my memory of all those nights I'd sit curled up in my room crying, while mom and dad were rushing my brother to the emergency room. Or those times I would get a phone call away at school telling me he was in the hospital. Any chance I was given to not have to feel that I loved, and lately, I've had a lot of those moments. So seemingly, it is like I have been refusing to believe it could resurface.

But now, I feel like an awful person for focusing on me and my journey. I've made every day about myself and I am disgusted. Here's my little brother who has probably been in pain, which sickens me to the core and I'm all: Me! Me! Me!

Thinking back to these last couple of weeks, I only wish I would've spent more time with You; talking to You; praying to You; and enjoying Your presence. I thought I was being a good daughter doing what I had to do~ but that sounds more like the issue than the solution.

It's back to the basics: all I want is for my little brother to heal and never have this happen again. But right now, I just want the antibiotics to start working. It broke my heart when he cried after realizing I was no longer coming home after I left for this program and I love him so much. I love all of my brothers so much....

Tell me God....how can I be a better daughter to You? This is something I should be asking every day, not when things go wrong. That makes it even more of a problem. You have given me the tools to be a better person than I have been showing You I can be. Knock down all my pride Lord and show me the way to You. Your grace will lead me home...

Arms that Hold the Universe: Fee

Little brother is going back into surgery

Struggle is an adventure. It is what makes our lives beautiful. Being able to say that we made it past the struggle; that we are so loved by an awesome God who held our hand every moment of it-- Sometimes we tend to forget that we are not alone and that no matter how impossible the day seems, we will get through whatever is in our paths. God made our journey worth it; He put the "love" in lovable, and the "heart" in heartache.

It's the day before my brother's surgery and I am feeling every emotion on the spectrum. Happy that he is finally getting the ng tube removed but sad because he never deserved any of this anyways. Not being able to be there for him is killing me so I'm doing what I know to do. I'm writing it out.

 It is not so much the surgery that we are holding our breaths for. It is the aftermath because that is what almost took his life a year and a half ago. Although there were other factors that played into the complications he had, any plastic tube placed in that general area is a scary thought. Basically, it is supposed to be a routine surgery. However, in my brother's case it will not be. With all of the complications we had last time, it adds a few additional risks.

As mentioned many posts back, when you open skin leading to the stomach, gastric secretions pour out and since the acidity is so high, it takes nothing to burn through the skin. I can honestly say that I do not know all of the effects, or the leading factor as to why this is such a significant surgery. I do know that once they put the new tube in, he may not tolerate feedings right away. But ask me why he wouldn't and I wouldn't know what to say. Bottom line, whether he can tolerate feedings or not and whether the old surgical site is bothered or not are all determining factors to the length of his hospital stay. I'd say worse case scenario, he doesn't tolerate the feedings at all and they are forced to either bring him back into surgery and/or put the ng tube back in. All which are very bad.

That said, I know extremely well it does no good to think about what could happen. My explanation above is indeed a moment of weakness. It is important to recognize the possibility of something going wrong so you aren't caught off guard. But that is as far as I know I should take it. I had a moment the other day where my faith and hope were getting a little shaky. So I did the only thing I knew I could do; I went straight to the bible. The one verse that stood out to me more than the others was this one:

Trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold-- though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. ~Peter 1:7

All I want is to trust fully in God. I love Him with everything in me and I want to look to Him; not the scientific statistics or the medical dictionaries. Of course more than anything, I want this surgery to go as well as it possibly can. But I trust my brother is in the best possible hands~ not the doctors and nurses but God.

Will all that said, right now, my brother is a happy and healthy 5 year old. That's how he sees himself and that is what I need to see. As adults we lose that innocence. We are bombarded with all of this information and reality hits hard. Realism is truth but not if it hasn't happened yet. Therefore, I tell myself this surgery hasn't happened yet. He still has a good 14 hours or so of freedom and in this moment, he is okay.

I have officially earned my ears!

There is a feeling in my soul; an illumination of free light and peace, that fills my heart with pure joy. It is that of a God-given passion, desire, and life purpose which requests fulfillment for each beautiful day that I'm given on this Earth. You know it is not your own human desire because all you wish is for God to be the center of your actions. For advancing the works of this passion of yours, you seek the guidance from the true one, the Lord. It is that big and powerful that you simply cannot ignore the source of its good nature. God's love is irreplaceable; an incomprehensible gift to us from Him; so strong that His love cannot be hidden nor can the desires He places in each of our hearts.

To place an extra smile on someone's face; whether they are having a good day or an outright terrible day is that of such strong drive and desire in my life, that ignoring it would not only be foolish but downright unacceptable. A simple act of kindness could be someone's last memory and I know better than to assume the next day is a given, because each moment is a Heaven-sent gift. So the fact that I am in Walt Disney World making that dream a reality every day I go to work, makes this my happily ever after story....

I've been here a little under a month and although not every day is perfectly flawless, there is indeed some good in part of those tougher days. Whether it be as simple as the bus driving by the sign at Vista Way (another apartment complex) that has a picture of the fab 6 (Mickey, Minnie, Goofy, Donald, Daisy, and Pluto) reading "Have a magical day." Or, a day at work where you get to be a part of creating a magical moment for someone; having a child who is so excited to share with you what they just bought; or sharing a laugh with a guest; the journey is nothing short of spectacular. 

With you God, I'm ready for anything

It's here, it's finally here....that moment every one who has ever been to college talks about. That one moment that seems untouchable and impossible to experience. You've spent countless months  wondering if you've done something wrong; perhaps if you had taken opportunity A you would have opportunity B, the opportunity of a lifetime in your hand. But like everything else, good things take time. Lots and lots of time. Lets not forget about the patience, those days where you're so tired you feel nauseated, or the frustration of failure. In fact, I bet that those are the days you think about when you reflect on the journey. My mom always says "It's not the destination that matters, it's the journey that takes you to the destination that does."

Granted, I have my times where I become a whiney college student about the typical problems. Not finding my prince charming, being disappointed in a friend, a strict professor...you know the temporary problems of life. Things that won't last forever. Think where we would be if we spent that time thinking about the things that will last forever...God's love for us, our trust in Him, His forgiveness, the love of our family/friends, and joy.

Just because we aren't happy every moment of every day does not mean we will lose the ability to be happy forever. As long as our joy comes from the right source, the Lord, then we will always have it burning bright in our hearts and souls! I certainly have things I'd like to change...like family members to stay on this Earth longer and not be sick, the amount of children I see being neglected and abused, and being able to see every depressed person smile again. But that's just not how life works.

Life is a constant balancing act. You can't be too nice but you can't be too mean either. You're going to have your sad days but there needs to be joy and love in there as well. In addition, you can't be too focused on the future but you also can't put so much intensity on the moment that you miss out on an opportunity coming in the future. If you try to do everything 'in the moment' you'll drive yourself insane.
~Are you overwhelmed yet? I'm sure grateful we have our entire lives to strive to figure this out!

So why this random spurt of inspiration do you ask?

We need to remember that the Lord doesn't forget what we want more than anything. Maybe we've hit that point where we are in a routine and are waiting for that exciting, 'life can go on now' moment. But we can't have that moment if God is not at the center of our quest. If we are depending on some big opportunity to remind us why we are here and doing what we are doing then we have it all wrong. That big opportunity that eventually comes is a gift. It is something that we are able to receive because we are following the Lord and this is what His will is for us. So with that said, I wanted to share this song. Although I think this is more of a love song, I think it can be "we" as in God and you. Remember~ the most important and valuable thing you can do is pray!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HYqJVEfrUdw

Short and Sweet Praise

Good evening Blogger readers, wherever you are in the world! I hope everyone is having a glorious week so far and continues to enjoy what's left. I wanted to write this now because I will be doing a lot of traveling throughout next week and know that I won't have time to write anything. So here are a few quick points/updates:

~This has been a tough week…though I must say, it's easier to enjoy these little troubles because they are not life or death situations.

~My health hasn't been up to par for the past few weeks and I will probably be going in for some scans when I return to school. I like to think of it as ruling out the worst case scenario to get to the root of the problem, which will be less serious. (I'm really leaning towards the idea that my Asthma probably isn't as controlled as it should be.)

~Just wanted to say a quick hello and praise God for another week. My brothers (all of them) are doing very well; happy and healthy like we like to hear!

**Also, if you need a little love and encouragement for music, I suggest you look up "No Other Name" by Big Daddy Weave. It's not on Youtube (at least that I've found) but you can hear it on Pandora, Spotify or iTunes.

So with that, have a blessed rest of the day and a fantastic weekend!

My Prayer For All

Today is just one of "those" days…so Hallelujah to our God!

No matter what happens on any given day, know that Jesus is right by your side and you will get through whatever trial has been placed in front of you. It could be something really simple like getting lost in a really bad section of the inner city, like I did today, or something more complex like a family/friend's health and maybe even our own health.

The point I'm trying to make is that I think we all need to remember who we are living for. I know I don't always show God's love and shame on me (much more evidently). But if we can wake up and give praise and glory to God, the one whose love is incomprehensible to us, then what a blessed day it will be! Truth be told, sometimes the littlest of trials are set up to prepare us for the much bigger ones to come.

Just think about it….hallelujah is such a beautiful word…

Correction on the Medical Study

Sunday….my favorite day of the week! There are two quick things I want to share:

To start out, I made a mistake when explaining the procedure Jacob is having this month. It is NOT a bronch study, it is a modified barium swallow study. I was totally off haha. I heard "bronch" on the phone…I'm not sure how. Anyways, that's what it is. Food is coated with barium and is swallowed. Then a special team or radiologists observe the x ray or fluoroscopy (whichever is used) while Jacob is swallowing. Hopefully this will offer his doctors insight as to why he has an asthma attack every time he swallows. This study will be performed Wednesday….we are all hoping and praying for the best.

So on to more exciting news….JACOB'S 5TH BIRTHDAY IS THIS SATURDAY!!!!!
It's crazy to think that we are approaching February 15th so soon! There were multiple days over the summer and even this past fall where we weren't sure he was going to see his next birthday. There are truly no words to describe how thankful I am for the gift of my brother's life. He brings this family nothing but love and joy~ as do all of my brothers.