Will I ever learn? I want to.

Where have I been God? Here in Florida of course but really where have I been? So much of my day is consumed with thinking about what has to be done for the day and what I want to do after this internship ends. I think about a career, my future boyfriend, what state I'll be in...I daydream. Yes, those thoughts keep me going on some of the tougher days but then I get to times like these and I question why did I ever waste my time with those?

Here we are again with AJ and he is sick.... What do you mean he's not responding to antibiotics? Is that even an option? I know better than to ask You why but why God? Why my brother? This was everyone's worst fear, him getting an infection because this is almost what took his life the last time.

All of a sudden, those feelings of fear of the unknown, dread, and worry flood my mind. It is so clear in my memory of all those nights I'd sit curled up in my room crying, while mom and dad were rushing my brother to the emergency room. Or those times I would get a phone call away at school telling me he was in the hospital. Any chance I was given to not have to feel that I loved, and lately, I've had a lot of those moments. So seemingly, it is like I have been refusing to believe it could resurface.

But now, I feel like an awful person for focusing on me and my journey. I've made every day about myself and I am disgusted. Here's my little brother who has probably been in pain, which sickens me to the core and I'm all: Me! Me! Me!

Thinking back to these last couple of weeks, I only wish I would've spent more time with You; talking to You; praying to You; and enjoying Your presence. I thought I was being a good daughter doing what I had to do~ but that sounds more like the issue than the solution.

It's back to the basics: all I want is for my little brother to heal and never have this happen again. But right now, I just want the antibiotics to start working. It broke my heart when he cried after realizing I was no longer coming home after I left for this program and I love him so much. I love all of my brothers so much....

Tell me God....how can I be a better daughter to You? This is something I should be asking every day, not when things go wrong. That makes it even more of a problem. You have given me the tools to be a better person than I have been showing You I can be. Knock down all my pride Lord and show me the way to You. Your grace will lead me home...

Arms that Hold the Universe: Fee