"And I ask myself
Who do I wanna be?
Do I wanna throw away the key?
and invent a whole new me"
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight ~Proverbs 3: 5-6
Sometimes, when we're in the middle of the storm it's hard for us to see the end of it. All we are focused on is what is happening at this very moment. The confusion, the pain, and the helplessness. We can't always look past our doubts to truly let ourselves go and trust God. This happens quite often in every big decision we're left to make. I still find myself admitting to God that I'm not fully trusting in where he's taking me. It truly breaks my heart to admit this because of all he's done and how much he loves me and everyone else. As I see it, he likes to shake the ground before he flattens it out for us to walk on. The day he chooses to let us fall through the cracks is the day we are caught in his embrace. He never lets any of us go regardless of what we have done or how we think.
I think the best example for this is what being far from home has done for me. I'm not exaggerating this by any means but it's been a really tough path since August. These two semesters have truly tested my trust in God. So what's different about this time? I don't know if I''ll be at UNC Charlotte or Tufts next year. I may not even be in college next year. For all I know I may be in South America for one semester and at a community college for the other semester. All I can really say is pray, pray, pray!
I think the best example for this is what being far from home has done for me. I'm not exaggerating this by any means but it's been a really tough path since August. These two semesters have truly tested my trust in God. So what's different about this time? I don't know if I''ll be at UNC Charlotte or Tufts next year. I may not even be in college next year. For all I know I may be in South America for one semester and at a community college for the other semester. All I can really say is pray, pray, pray!
I just got the news that I may not be coming back to UNC Charlotte ever...with the condition this country's economy is in, there isn't enough financial aid to go around. I'm dependent on that extra help and it doesn't look I'll be getting that next year. In addition, my dad is on the verge of losing his job because he's been missing so much work due to the unstableness of Jacob and mom is going to lose one of her jobs. Plus, my little job cannot possibly pay for tuition to a four year university. I'm kind of sad and down about that because I love Charlotte and the people here. But at the same time I'm content because I know God has got a plan for me; the more days that go by the more I feel I won't be at this university next fall, and the more definite this mission work is looking to be. Actually, I'm almost sure of it because God will be taking me out of my comfort zone and usually, when I'm found staying in my comfort zone I'm not where I'm supposed to be.
It is the risks we take that strengthens our trust and love in God. The most I've been away from my family is a little over 2 months. But this trip to Guatemala or Brazil....wherever I decide to go for 2-3 months...it's nerve-wracking to say the least. I have butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it! Not only would I not have access to communicating with my friends and family in the United States but it's also putting a responsibility of spreading God's word to others. I have not memorized bible verses or even read the whole bible. This is the first year that I've used a bible and had it in every day life. With that noted, I'm not very confident in my knowledge. There are specifics that I know but I am not fully attune to what it takes. The basis of this trip is taking care of orphan children and making sure they're being treated right. In addition, it's also sharing the gospel with them in a way they can understand. A lot of people here in Charlotte are able to quote from the bible but I cannot. Im really quite ashamed but it just wasn't in my upbringing. That's what makes me nervous, in my own selfish and unknowing ways, it seems like God is asking a lot of me in this next year. But who am I to judge?
It is the risks we take that strengthens our trust and love in God. The most I've been away from my family is a little over 2 months. But this trip to Guatemala or Brazil....wherever I decide to go for 2-3 months...it's nerve-wracking to say the least. I have butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it! Not only would I not have access to communicating with my friends and family in the United States but it's also putting a responsibility of spreading God's word to others. I have not memorized bible verses or even read the whole bible. This is the first year that I've used a bible and had it in every day life. With that noted, I'm not very confident in my knowledge. There are specifics that I know but I am not fully attune to what it takes. The basis of this trip is taking care of orphan children and making sure they're being treated right. In addition, it's also sharing the gospel with them in a way they can understand. A lot of people here in Charlotte are able to quote from the bible but I cannot. Im really quite ashamed but it just wasn't in my upbringing. That's what makes me nervous, in my own selfish and unknowing ways, it seems like God is asking a lot of me in this next year. But who am I to judge?
About two months ago, I had a serious realization that I was on the wrong path, or had been before. Everything since that day, my life has done a complete 360 degree turn in the other direction. Before I knew it, not only did my view on the world change but I was beginning to question who I wanted to be. Not who I was going to be for others, or who I thought I was, but who I wanted to be~ Who we want to be is who God wants us to be. He puts those yearnings in our hearts for a reason; it's our choice whether we choose to respond to that feeling or go our own way. I honestly believe that there is only one we need to make happy and that's God. If he's happy then the love and happiness you're given to offer will spread.
Back to the important part, the second line in the chorus "Do I wanna throw away the key?"; I interpret this as a key to the Kingdom of God. It's the key to our individual life that leads us to him. Throwing away the key is evidently throwing away everything. It made me think about people in general. Really, mankind as a whole. Our whole lives are based on self discovery, trial and error, and getting to know God so we can better know ourselves. That "key" is what makes every person's soul on this Earth something beautiful and valuable (minus the sin). I pray for those people willingly/unwillingly throwing away their key.
Above all, trusting God gives you the all-embracing feeling of peace. I never believed people when asking the question "How do you know?" with the response of: "You just know." But, now I know. Unequivocally, I can say that I just know I'm in the right place doing the right thing. And I believe this holds true for everyone else.
Above all, trusting God gives you the all-embracing feeling of peace. I never believed people when asking the question "How do you know?" with the response of: "You just know." But, now I know. Unequivocally, I can say that I just know I'm in the right place doing the right thing. And I believe this holds true for everyone else.
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