Apology to God

To my audience: 
I am writing this because I haven't been writing blogs for the right reasons. This is not to share an experience with you or really for you, it is for me to write to God. The movie "Letters to God" is what helped me reach this point last night and I had decided to write this. If you reach a time in your life where this letter becomes helpful, then by all means use it for your beautiful souls. But I'm writing this without expecting an audience. This blog's purpose was for my brother Jacob and that will be its only use from now on.


Dear God,

I want to make a confession. I started out with good intentions for this blog but allowed myself to get caught up in the superficial powers of having a blog. I was always writing about me. I was spreading your word but not in a holy way. I'm ashamed and feel disgusted, and being completely honest, I've been a complete hypocrite. The stories I share and lessons I seem to be learning have not been learned until today, which you know. Everything with me has been all words and no actions which I swore I wouldn't do. My God, I have forsaken you yet again. 

Looking back on the past few weeks I've been going though my life immersed in my academics thinking I was in a good place. Now only to find out, that was not the case and I wasn't anywhere close to you. I know you brought me to the south to strengthen my faith and relationship with you and to bare one of my crosses. I've struggled, crashed, and burned but somehow kept finding the strength in you every time to pick me back up again. Last night was scary for me, I haven't ever been closer to you yet  so far away. I just don't understand how I allowed myself to get lost like this....I've been on a self discovery path for the past 2 months and you have been opening one door immediately after another one closes. I haven't had time to process the change you have put in my life or where you seem to be leading me to. That being said, I'm okay with that because I fully trust you with my heart and soul God. But I lost myself after that, I'm no longer the strong, independent, faithful woman you need me to be. I'm a sinful coward who won't even say the rosary anymore because of the time it takes. How awful, I can't believe I'm admitting this to you but I feel that you already knew. And yet, the rosary gives me so much peace and serenity, a pure gift from Heaven I'm sure every time. No matter what I've done or how I've acted it never fails to bring me comfort. 

Looking back on the last few weeks I see a girl who was in a dark corner all by herself, hood up blocking out the rest of the world. My rosary was an arms length away but I wasn't reaching for it. All it took was the effort to reach my hand out, to touch it and to start praying but I was too caught up in my own thoughts to recognize what you needed me to do. This blog has done more damage than it has good. But there is another reason behind these posts which only you and me know. You know what I'm thinking as soon as I publish one; who I have been letting ruin my life from the inside out. But last night I prayed, I cried, and confessed my heart. All it took was a night of prayer and I got my answer today. How amazing you are God, I love you. I act like it's a surprise that you came to my rescue once again but it's not. I can't put into words how your love is always in me. Today you and I are walking together down the right path, the one where the sun is shining. I don't care that I don't see where it's going because you'll guide my every step. But today is the day that I'm walking away from the abuse that was taking my life away. So today I am working towards the Celeste you want me to be. 

Also God, I know this might sound crazy but it felt like there was a light shining from my soul. Today you helped me reach the point where I can see what I was doing wrong. Tonight, I have reached closure and I feel it throughout my body. I feel lighter than I have with your God given peaceful embrace. You told me to come to you and I am. I want nothing more than to please you and I wasn't doing that. I also want to say that I have never felt this way before; at that moment earlier today I was just walking around my room and just thought about how blessed I am to have been given the opportunity to experience what is waiting for me, and I promise you God that I will not let you down. 

It honestly sucks that you had to see me fall again because I want you to know how much your love means to me. It was my active choice to not walk away from it and that's what I did. I let control and abuse run my life and all it did was tear my soul apart. It's hit me like a ton of bricks that this is what has been turning my world upside down, this one battle. I don't know how long this peace will last but I am enjoying it while I have it. I know that what I'm feeling now is what I need to remember as I go through the rest of my life serving you. Mom says that what I experienced is waiting for me but I need to complete some other tasks first before you reveal the full gift to me. And I will wait, I will serve you in any way you need me to.  

~God, you know what's on my heart right now. I pray for their safety, health, faith in you, and happiness. 

Love, Celeste