Nowhere but up

Alright so I have some tough news. The procedure Jacob went through and was in the hospital for was not successful. It looked like it was really healing and that we were in the clear but that doesn't seem to be the case. According to my mom, 'his site looks good one day and bad the next.' For every bad day, it's a setback. He may have good days but the damage done on the bad days will overtake the good days. I'm not going to get emotional about this, it takes a lot of energy to do that and I need to focus my energy elsewhere.

God is going to carry through whatever he has planned for my brother. It can be frustrating, upsetting, and confusing all in this moment but God has never let us down and never will. He will take care of both my brother and my family. So where do we go from here? Nowhere but up. Interpret it how you will. I don't want to say that my baby brother may earn his wings this way. Putting a limit on him is not right. So I'm leaving that one up to God. With all considered, one thing needs to be remembered. When you embrace God's love you truly can go nowhere but up. For my lack of words tonight, I feel this song best conveys what I'm attempting to say. No matter the situation at hand, knowing God is by your side and His love for you is unmeasurable, should put a smile in your eyes, as you do for God.

Love at first sight

Love....such a beautiful thing it is. I think as humans we sometimes forget it's all around us. It is not just categorized by a significant other, it is the life we've been given and the people we have (romantically or not). The experiences we are blessed with, the things we can do, learning what our passions, strengths, and even flaws are. That is the beauty of the soul, to be perceptive of ourselves; our imperfections that make us who we are as individuals. Put another way, we are that person that God personally chose to walk the Earth. Though, remember that's not be confused with our sin. That is not beautiful.

I'm feeling inspired tonight, partly because of this movie I watched but also because I have been "struggling" with this thought of love. In grade school there's an endless pressure to be in a relationship. Nobody ever told me that it would continue in college but be even more intense. Especially down south; everyone marries a lot younger down here. It's acceptable to be engaged at 23 and married by 24. I'm not used to that, not by any means. However, the south has altered my values a bit. Up north, I thought it was "cool" to date a lot of people. Not so much anymore....I'd rather date a few guys that I really like and find the one then date every guy and their brother just to find the one. I'm no different than other girls, everyone wants to find their soulmate and they don't want to have to look for very long.

My point of all of this jibber jabber is that there is an entire world out there. We are choosing to view it out of the smallest lens available to us. When I mention how I'm focused on love (specifically a significant other) I'm not really seeing, I'm looking. Here's another term for you....this one is from my beloved Psychology class; inattentional blindness. Your brain has a difficult time processing visual and auditory information at the same time. That is where "attention" comes into play. You may be looking at someone but are not focused, or paying attention to what they are saying to you. That's a lot like life from my own personal perspective. We are looking but we aren't really seeing. Sure, I'm going through the days living life but I'm looking at couples, cuddling, the date nights....what I don't have. That's the visual information. The life I am living, what God has put around me has taken a back seat. It is the auditory information that isn't being processed.

I know you don't care what I think, I'm one person. So look at it in a general sense. When tragedy strikes, you begin to reflect on what happened in the moments leading up to that particular event. You don't want to reflect on wasted thoughts. Wasted, in a sense that they were really insignificant all along, you just didn't pay attention. There was something else whether it be an experience or emotion that became your main focus which was always temporary.

So as I final thought and/or request, what you have been given is all you have so enjoy what has been given and patiently wait for the Lord to answer the unseen desires of your heart. There are others around you who love you and that should be just as meaningful. That is why you need to get to know the world around you because there is a lot to it. Literally every day I am shown one of my many blessings. They are blessings that I always had from God but never took to the time to notice. Right there----> He loves you. God. Remember that.

This could be it

Jacob was admitted to the hospital Wednesday and will be there for about two weeks. Possibly one week depending on how well he does. But not to worry! It is the answer to our prayers that he's there, because the surgeons have removed his gj tube. In simple terms, his feeding site that has been such an issues for 11 months is hopefully coming to an end. With the removal of the gj tube, they are taking the tube out of the jejunum. This will allow the stoma (big hole) to close without fear of any leakage. So far, his site has been dry since the tube has been removed. There are no dressings, foam, or binders on him...for once, it's just his shirt on his back covering the hole.

~~~Now of course he still has to obtain nutrients, so they have put an nj tube in:

This tube is placed through the nose and down into the stomach. There is another tube (the g tube) which is placed in the jejunum as a "guideline" for how small they want the hole to heal up to. Evidently they will place another tube in when the hole begins to close but they need it to stay a certain size in order to get the new tube in.

This is more than a new tube placement though...for Jacob, this is his childhood back. He will be able to play on the floor like he loves to do, he can go to school without his massive binder attached, and go back to breathing without his oxygen on every minute, of everyday. Those mucus plugs that I would write about, stopping his breathing will not be as common of a problem (or shouldn't be).

But there is a challenge to this....what Jacob is going through right now. This is his battle, nobody can do this for him. We will never understand what it's like to lay in a hospital bed for two weeks knowing you cannot get up. School is his favorite place to be (most days). And for someone who enjoys school so much, he certainly misses a lot of it. I pray to God that he doesn't feel much pain from this procedure that has been done and that perhaps the time will pass by quickly. I should also add, the risk for a respiratory infection is almost absolute. The hospital he is at, does not provide the best respiratory care. Every time he is there we have a problem getting his breathing treatments on time. No treatments/medications = sick baby. But again, I'm trusting God to take care of him. 

He's been through so much and is continuing to go through more but this might actually be the end to his battle, for real now. To have Jacob's stomach healed is not only a miracle but my favorite saying: a divine blessing. This is worth every Christmas, birthday, and any present I could ever receive from anyone for the rest of my life. The joy in my heart and soul that my brother can live on from this life threatening killer, is beyond words for me. It's been a roller coaster with procedures failing and working, then failing again. But of course the question will be asked...what if it doesn't work? Well my friends, we will deal with that when the time comes. I write this blog tonight celebrating yet another chance for my brother.

This blog has been viewed all over the world and to everyone who has ever had my family in their thoughts and/or prayers, I want to thank you. I want you to know that whatever you did means more to me then you will ever understand. I do not have to know you to value your support and prayers. You all have gotten my family and I through some rough times. I am not here today writing this post without the help of you all and your faith. 

Critical

Everything I said yesterday except for the last paragraph and trusting God is....bullshit. My brother isn't responding to treatment. They are keeping him in the hospital longer and doubling his dose of antibiotics. They are not pleased with what his cut looks like today. I'm at my lowest point, the oldest of the three boys is an absolute, emotional wreck. I skipped one of my classes today because I couldn't stop crying. These stupid, pointless Facebook statuses complaining about homework, relationships, and sports piss me off. If my brother survives this, I don't think I could post another status about pointless crap. I've done it lately and I don't plan on doing it again.

I didn't think life could be anymore pronounced than it has been but apparently I was wrong. As in, I have a guy I'm hopelessly in love with. But none of that matters. If it's not going anywhere I don't care about wishful thinking. I got caught up like college girls do on a boy and I'm totally regretting it.

 So back to my brother.....today is a really hard day. Not one part of me is optimistic. And being alone right now is my worst enemy. I cannot post this blog with words of encouragement at the end like I always do. Today it's your day to offer some encouragement, not necessarily to me but towards your own lives.

Tables turned

I wasn't going to write this but sleep isn't happening tonight. This blog is centered around Jacob's hospitalizations and fight for life but yesterday the tables turned. For once in all of Jacob's existence, one of his other family members was critically ill and he was fairly healthy. The second oldest of the three was rushed to the hospital yesterday morning for an infected cut on his face. My parents had been working with it all week. He was taken to the doctor on Tuesday but they wouldn't give him an antibiotic. Friday, he went back to the doctor because his lip was so swollen he couldn't get any food or drink down. He was then given an antibiotic but by that time the infection had spread. Sunday morning it was a life or death situation. I got the call as the nurses were prepping him for surgery. It's one thing to get a call saying he's in the emergency room. But saying he's in the emergency room and being prepped for surgery, all in the same sentence is a lot to take in. Now by no means am I the victim here, I'm just telling you that's what was running through my mind.

So of course everyone is a mess while we wait for him to get out of surgery and when he finally does my parents were told something startling. Apparently there are two triangles on the face. These "triangles" are the sites on the face where infection can get up to the brain. Essentially, it is a miracle that he is here with us tonight. Children who have infected cuts where he does usually would have had the infection spread to the brain already. But the surgeons got to it just in time. This wasn't a surgery that could have been important, it was important. He wouldn't be alive without it.... holy shit that was a heavy sentence.

It amazes me (not in a good way) that I still get the shock of 'I might lose my brother.' Regardless of which person it is, I should get it by now that life for anyone is never a guarantee. I'll say this though, my trust in God is certainly at an all time high. I'm not saying it can't be stronger because of course that's not true. But from the second I was told my brother was in surgery to the second I got the call that he was awake I knew God was going to take care of him. There was no asking him, it was knowing he was going to help him in whatever way was His will.

So please, whether this is your first time reading this blog or your 43rd time I ask that you hug your loved ones and tell them you love them. Set aside petty arguments and spread happiness, not rage. Don't assume the people you love/care about will be here tomorrow; just because you care about them and nothing happens to you doesn't mean it can't and won't. Just last night I was looking through old photos and videos on my phone of all of my brothers. I had no idea that I'd be told the "healthy one" might not make it the next day. Truly appreciate who and what you have, thank God for his gift of life, and love like it's someone's last day.

For every angel there is a demon

I'm scared. I'm overwhelmed with what is happening. How something so small can spiral into something so large. The fact that I allow jealousy, one of the seven deadly sins to fuel my rage towards an insignificant problem. I have allowed rage and confusion to make me vulnerable to the devil's deceptive ways. I'm in a dark place today, fear is all around. I feel clouded by the evil surrounding me...I know God is there but I haven't figured out how to clear the fog. Sure, I'm a book behind in one of my classes. I could be what every person refers to me as a "studious" person, but it wouldn't do much good today. My rage and vulnerability has put me into a place where I rarely go. In the darkest of times (like now) I clutch my rosary in the palm of my hand and do not let go. Just having it in my pocket gives me a sense of relief.

Now let me give you an introduction to what has aggravated my emotions to a higher, more denounced level. When calamity strikes your first reaction should be to seek God. For he is your saviour and will never leave you. God is the one who will give you peace in the middle of your raging storm. So when you feel his unconditional, embracing love you need to know that no matter what happens God will be there. That's the thought I had running through my mind all weekend. But then I received a phone call. It was from a victim if you will, who had been subject to something very evil. All I had to hear was 'If anyone wants to adopt a medically complex child I will tell them no. It's not worth it." That's all I had to flipping hear to send me off the deep end. Honestly, in my heart I don't believe that the person who said this really said it.

Let me clarify: In stressful times are ability to reason and filter so to speak, what we say is hindered. If any part of us is hurting, that serves as a weak point. That weak point is evil's open door. When we try to solve a problem by ourselves without seeking God we find ourselves in the pit of despair. It's not that God won't rescue us, of course He will....if we are willing to be. So when you're upset you are upset with God; naturally at some point everyone is. That's where our lack of judgment and filtering comes into play. It's us at a worn down and torn about state. We have been exercised of all our recourses that we think we have. Sometimes for some people (not all) God can take a back seat. With that said, I know this person is overly stressed. Even if it was just for that statement, evil had the upper hand. Just as it is trying to gain with me.

But that still doesn't justify what was said. To know that they are at such a vulnerable state that their lips can purse such words is terrifying. I didn't know this bothered me so much. But last night when I was laying in bed, I felt extremely unsettled. When the world around me is bothering me to the point where I cannot focus on what is important like, God, family, and the fate of my soul, that usually tells me that I need to go pray a rosary. And that is exactly what I did last night. But everything was different, getting through a rosary became a major challenge. At first I felt safe, I felt God's presence but then I felt a weary, sinister type atmosphere which provided the opposite of comfort. Hopefully it's evident where I'm going with What and Who that was so I'm not going to elaborate. I don't get that all of the time, I get that when pure evil is near. The situation that occurred on Friday is evil. The thoughts and stress it causes for the ones I love is also a source of depravity.

You can count on after I post this blog that I will be sitting in my apartment saying the rosary continuously. That for me, is my defense. Of course it's not my only one but it is the one most personal to me as an individual. I find that the rosary is how me and God connect; more so, than just talking to him. So with that, I have no doubt in my mind that God is right here next to me. It's said if you offer your suffering/fear up for the souls in Purgatory, you will save souls.

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Heard this a few minutes ago doing homework....I thought it was a perfect addition to this post: