The past two weeks have been a bit of a challenge. My brother has been quite unstable. Jacob's site is no closer to healing then it was before his surgery. His dressing is wet and he still drains gastric secretions. We have been blessed with the opportunity for him to see a new surgeon in a world renowned hospital, located in our home state, next week which should hopefully bring an end to his battle. The binder he's in is affecting his breathing more than any of us could've thought was possible. He's getting more mucus plugs (secretions in his lungs), pneumonia is a struggle to keep from developing every day, and there's always one part of the day where his heart rate gets too high, his oxygen sats get too low and we go into "emergency critical thinking mode."
I was feeling confident in that I had grasped the true concept of living in the moment but for the past two weeks, the trials God has put me through...I"ve failed carrying through that way of life. However, I'm back on track now. Today is all that matters because today Jacob is living. Tomorrow could always be different and I'm confident now, in that I do understand that. I don't have to like it and I may like to be in denial sometimes but that's the way it is, which is what makes every smile of his more precious.
I was feeling confident in that I had grasped the true concept of living in the moment but for the past two weeks, the trials God has put me through...I"ve failed carrying through that way of life. However, I'm back on track now. Today is all that matters because today Jacob is living. Tomorrow could always be different and I'm confident now, in that I do understand that. I don't have to like it and I may like to be in denial sometimes but that's the way it is, which is what makes every smile of his more precious.
Today I was with Jacob by myself and a new nurse to the field (ugh) because mom had to work tonight so she was sleeping.
This nurse wasn't much help....
As I mentioned he plugs really easily and you have to take note of a high heart rate. I almost lost him today....his rate was 158 and climbing and I was losing his oxygen sats. I rapidly rushed over to the cough-assist machine to try and get secretions out and nothing was coming out of his trac. Absolutely nothing. Mind you the nurse is standing on the other side of the bed doing nothing. She didn't even recognize he was in trouble! Then I hear the monitor alarm again, displaying a heart rate of 167 and his oxygen still decreasing....I knew I was in trouble. I saw his eyes roll back into his head and I remember saying "Don't you dare." God was watching out for him today; well, he watches out for him every day but today he showed me his intervention to save Jacob.
Is it selfish of me to think that God worked through me? I truly felt like Jacob's human guardian angel today. I don't know how to make that sound less conceited, it's nothing to brag about at all. It's something to realize that not going to the beach or hanging out with friends is for a reason. I'm helping my baby brother so there's no sacrifice on my part. The saying "great things come with great sacrifice" doesn't apply to me today. I couldn't have imagined being anywhere else today.
On that note, as long as this nurse was in this house today, Jacob wouldn't let go of my finger (his hands are too small to grab my hand.) He would always look around for me or my mom. There wasn't a single smile on that boy's face unless I walked over and talked to him or held his hand. After the nurse left, every time I walked by Jacob he smiled his angelic, wide smile at me. It almost looked like a genuine-thank you-type of smile. Now for those of you who don't know my brother in person, he doesn't do that. That's just not him. Of course he will smile if you sing a song, do "green hands" or play with him with one of his favorite toys like the alphabet apple or his musical dog but that's about it. Occasionally you get a smile when you say hi but that's pretty rare as well. Even after Jacob was in the protection of my dad and I, he would still smile when I walked over to his crib and would go right for my finer again. I didn't have to say a single word to him. That was a beautiful moment~one that when I think of God's love and grace I think of that moment.
~~~ I'd also like to add: please don't read this and feel bad for me or on the other side, think of me of some great person. I'm no different then anyone and I want to make that very clear. There's nothing better about me...God loves us all of the same. In addition, if you're reading this and feel sorry for me then I'm not doing a good job of conveying my message. There's nothing to feel bad about, God is in my life, he walks with me every step of the way, and I'm blessed with the most loving and supportive friends and family. Sure, he never lets me forget that I may not have Jacob in my life tomorrow but that's my individual path to walk (as well as my family's). Every day that we have with each other is a loving, beautiful, and divine blessing. God didn't promise us it would be easy but he promised he'd never leave us and he never has left me and I know he never will.
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