Accepting your wish is basically accepting the fatality of your disease.

I dread this week.... It has never been more real than this, because this is the week that I have to meet with all of my professors and tell them your time left with us is uncertain. That any day your illness could take you from us. Tell me brother, how am I ever going to muster up the strength to do that? To look each one of them in the eye without breaking down? I don't think I can... It is a moment demanding that I give into the reality of your prognosis. And having family and doctors encouraging me to actually tell people, that makes it more of a reality than ever.

I can't hide behind the maybe's or the other treatment options. I can't think about whether we will have another Christmas with you.... Or your birthday...  Asking God for another year with you seems like an impossible request at best. The mere thought that doctors don't know how to save you... Tell me dear brother, how am I supposed to walk through life so peacefully, knowing your miracle may not come? At least, not the one on Earth.

The day mom and dad brought you into my life, was the moment it would change forever. You have impacted every fiber of my being it seems. I have spent many nights crying during your hospital stays but those times of sadness and uncertainty were also opportunities of growth for my spirit. It has strengthened my desire to give love instead of receive it. To try and show my God's great love in everything I do...

Some days are better than others, the busier I stay the more helpful it is. But these moments of being alone and in quiet are what harbor the weakness. To hear the quiet and stiffness of mom and dad's voice on the phone when I ask "how long?" is one of the most unsettling feelings in the pit of my stomach that I think I have ever experienced.You have shown me what unconditional love truly is, what it means to live solely by faith, and to be happy just because we are here another day. I love you my dear brother, and I am asking you to hold on as long as you can. I selfishly would ask for another year with you but I know that it is not mine for deciding. I have to be thankful He gave us today with you.

God Has a Reason

It was a week from my brother's 7th birthday and my parents called our priest to the hospital. My brother had not been responding to treatment and his pressure plummeted into the 60s.... my heart sank to the floor with that phone call. The doctors were not sure he would survive the night-- he had been doing so well, originally admitted for a life threatening bloodstream infection. Which he was able to overcome mind you. And then the day that he was moved out of the ICU, he completely deteriorated.

I knew that I could not get a flight out that would get me to my brother on time and in that moment, I just remember falling to the floor on my knees....

Sometimes it gets too hard to pray and you just want to tell God that you're frightened and can't focus. But in that moment is when you experience it all being taken off your shoulders; where it is just you and Him in the room; where He catches your every tear and holds you while you cry. You know nothing else in that moment except that God loves you beyond what your human mind can comprehend. It is in these times that I have learned that life is not about making every moment happy. It is about making God a part of every moment- I can think of nothing greater than experiencing His love.

What I wouldn't learn until later was that the very thing that got him in this mess is what would play a part in saving him. He was supposed to have his trach removed earlier last year but due to circumstances beyond our control it had not happened yet. I had spent so much time being frustrated that he still did not have his trach out, that I wasted time and energy for no purpose at all. Had he not had that trach and had they not been able to attach him to a ventilator as quick as they did, doctors would have had to stick a tube down his throat (intubate) and my brother would have been put on life support. Needless to say, today would have been a completely different story as they were not sure they would ever get him off life support, based on his past complications.

I feel like this is something I need to repeat to myself every day; God really does have a plan; even if we don't see it right away its details are weaved into our daily lives; one delicate moment at a time.

Maybe it was Heaven

There is something about the word "inspire" that just stops me dead in my tracks. The only way I can even attempt to describe it is similar to when you see the sun reflecting off the water from the window on a plane. That spot where the water and sun meet, looks like perfect crystalline, almost as if there were diamonds shimmering on the water.

Bare with me for a second, words can be beautiful. Not so much by their sound (you know, because who honestly says that.) But if you dig deeper under the surface, not only to the actual meaning but to what it represents, you'll find that a simple word can have a significant impact on people.

The top definition provided by dictionary.reference.com is:

Inspire: To fill with an animating , quickening, or exalting influence.

But did you also know that many of the definitions provided by online dictionaries either mention the word "divine" or use God as an example? How amazing is that?

The work God does through people inspires me...the people who are in a place that the Holy Spirit may work through them inspires me. To inspire is a gift and how could it not be? There is no such thing as negative inspiration, that would be temptation. Which is probably why I imagine only the light of Jesus when thinking of inspiration.

But what really got me thinking was an image God showed me while praying earlier this week. There have been some events on my heart lately that have been slowly chipping away at it. One night I was having a particularly hard time coping with them. I had just closed my eyes, to try and clear my mind and let God show me what He wanted me to see. So just like that, I was walking through a field of the most beautiful flowers; there was every color there; sky blue; magenta; bright yellow; shades of green; purple; and orange...so many! I didn't see the grass, but I saw the flower bed with grass and then I saw myself.

I was dressed in a white laced dress with my hair free flowing with not a single split end in sight. The red absolutely glowed. My eyes were the shade of blue they become when I am really happy, (I've been told they look like an ocean) and my smile was the way I smile up at God in the sky. Honestly, it must have been Heaven because I don't look good in lace, ever (haha it is true though, I don't.) Though, there was something so angelic and peaceful about that image. I couldn't ignore the bright light surrounding me; it wasn't where you could see an actual outline but my whole being was glowing, my skin almost pure white. The best part of that whole scene was that Jesus was right in front of me and I was walking towards Him.

I just remember seeing that and thinking 'this is who I want to be and how I want my life to look.' Pure; beautiful; and me running to Jesus knowing He will carry me through everything. In that paradise, I think I was finally living up to my name~ Celeste which means heavenly. Or the Spanish translation which is a specific type of blue; one often associated with Heavenly skies.

But there is even a greater part to this....the song that was playing through this entire setting. "Gabrielle" by Doug Hammer, brings me an overwhelming feeling of joy and contentment (I feel heartened just getting to write about it.) The melody continues to play over and over again in my mind and instantly brings me right back to this place with Jesus. I have never had a song do something to that extent before. To finish if off, there is no outside influences It was me and Him which is how it always should be. Of course there are many people in our lives but ultimately God gets priority. With that said, we tell each other we love Him but do we show Him we do?

Seeking Purpose in Life

Take one deep breath and feel the placidity resting contently in your soul. It's an overwhelming feeling of hope and love from God whose love you could never comprehend. Your next breath is so precious as it is another moment for you to experience the joy of knowing there is so much to live for in this life. Every breath you take, every step you make; the words you say; it's all an opportunity to to live for something extraordinary.

The truth is, I could write countless stories about the people I have met along my journey in Orlando and the lessons I have learned from my trials encountered. But that is my personal journey and there is little significance when your heart is open.  In other words, it is not "just" the people I have met or "just" the experiences that I have had. For it is in fact those moments I spend praying on the bus before the work day begins, or the nights spent reflecting on life struggles that give life purpose. If there was one thing that I have learned throughout my time here, it would be that everything in life is temporary. The only one who remains constant in our lives is God and His love follows us wherever we go.

It seems so simple, that a bright person would be able to grasp such a concept right away. But to my own dismay it has taken me until this very moment to realize the most awe-inspiring concept. It "clicked" in my brain that God is not a long distance friend that we have to worry about losing some day. He is for us and not against us and will never leave us.

Bad things happen, as it is just a part of life. Though reflecting upon some recent times, there is nowhere that I see myself getting through without God's help. It is wonderful to dream; have desires and passions that reach beyond what anyone can see. But those dreams will carry you to all different places, with all new people, for a certain amount of time. One place you may make home and unexpectedly you can find yourself away from that home in an instant. So where do you go from there? My comfort every day is not my familiar surroundings; it is not the coffee I look forward to drinking while waiting for the sun to rise. Although those play a role in making me feel comfortable I know that it is God who is my constant.

~Cocoa Beach, FL at dawn.

Will I ever learn? I want to.

Where have I been God? Here in Florida of course but really where have I been? So much of my day is consumed with thinking about what has to be done for the day and what I want to do after this internship ends. I think about a career, my future boyfriend, what state I'll be in...I daydream. Yes, those thoughts keep me going on some of the tougher days but then I get to times like these and I question why did I ever waste my time with those?

Here we are again with AJ and he is sick.... What do you mean he's not responding to antibiotics? Is that even an option? I know better than to ask You why but why God? Why my brother? This was everyone's worst fear, him getting an infection because this is almost what took his life the last time.

All of a sudden, those feelings of fear of the unknown, dread, and worry flood my mind. It is so clear in my memory of all those nights I'd sit curled up in my room crying, while mom and dad were rushing my brother to the emergency room. Or those times I would get a phone call away at school telling me he was in the hospital. Any chance I was given to not have to feel that I loved, and lately, I've had a lot of those moments. So seemingly, it is like I have been refusing to believe it could resurface.

But now, I feel like an awful person for focusing on me and my journey. I've made every day about myself and I am disgusted. Here's my little brother who has probably been in pain, which sickens me to the core and I'm all: Me! Me! Me!

Thinking back to these last couple of weeks, I only wish I would've spent more time with You; talking to You; praying to You; and enjoying Your presence. I thought I was being a good daughter doing what I had to do~ but that sounds more like the issue than the solution.

It's back to the basics: all I want is for my little brother to heal and never have this happen again. But right now, I just want the antibiotics to start working. It broke my heart when he cried after realizing I was no longer coming home after I left for this program and I love him so much. I love all of my brothers so much....

Tell me God....how can I be a better daughter to You? This is something I should be asking every day, not when things go wrong. That makes it even more of a problem. You have given me the tools to be a better person than I have been showing You I can be. Knock down all my pride Lord and show me the way to You. Your grace will lead me home...

Arms that Hold the Universe: Fee

Little brother is going back into surgery

Struggle is an adventure. It is what makes our lives beautiful. Being able to say that we made it past the struggle; that we are so loved by an awesome God who held our hand every moment of it-- Sometimes we tend to forget that we are not alone and that no matter how impossible the day seems, we will get through whatever is in our paths. God made our journey worth it; He put the "love" in lovable, and the "heart" in heartache.

It's the day before my brother's surgery and I am feeling every emotion on the spectrum. Happy that he is finally getting the ng tube removed but sad because he never deserved any of this anyways. Not being able to be there for him is killing me so I'm doing what I know to do. I'm writing it out.

 It is not so much the surgery that we are holding our breaths for. It is the aftermath because that is what almost took his life a year and a half ago. Although there were other factors that played into the complications he had, any plastic tube placed in that general area is a scary thought. Basically, it is supposed to be a routine surgery. However, in my brother's case it will not be. With all of the complications we had last time, it adds a few additional risks.

As mentioned many posts back, when you open skin leading to the stomach, gastric secretions pour out and since the acidity is so high, it takes nothing to burn through the skin. I can honestly say that I do not know all of the effects, or the leading factor as to why this is such a significant surgery. I do know that once they put the new tube in, he may not tolerate feedings right away. But ask me why he wouldn't and I wouldn't know what to say. Bottom line, whether he can tolerate feedings or not and whether the old surgical site is bothered or not are all determining factors to the length of his hospital stay. I'd say worse case scenario, he doesn't tolerate the feedings at all and they are forced to either bring him back into surgery and/or put the ng tube back in. All which are very bad.

That said, I know extremely well it does no good to think about what could happen. My explanation above is indeed a moment of weakness. It is important to recognize the possibility of something going wrong so you aren't caught off guard. But that is as far as I know I should take it. I had a moment the other day where my faith and hope were getting a little shaky. So I did the only thing I knew I could do; I went straight to the bible. The one verse that stood out to me more than the others was this one:

Trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold-- though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. ~Peter 1:7

All I want is to trust fully in God. I love Him with everything in me and I want to look to Him; not the scientific statistics or the medical dictionaries. Of course more than anything, I want this surgery to go as well as it possibly can. But I trust my brother is in the best possible hands~ not the doctors and nurses but God.

Will all that said, right now, my brother is a happy and healthy 5 year old. That's how he sees himself and that is what I need to see. As adults we lose that innocence. We are bombarded with all of this information and reality hits hard. Realism is truth but not if it hasn't happened yet. Therefore, I tell myself this surgery hasn't happened yet. He still has a good 14 hours or so of freedom and in this moment, he is okay.

I have officially earned my ears!

There is a feeling in my soul; an illumination of free light and peace, that fills my heart with pure joy. It is that of a God-given passion, desire, and life purpose which requests fulfillment for each beautiful day that I'm given on this Earth. You know it is not your own human desire because all you wish is for God to be the center of your actions. For advancing the works of this passion of yours, you seek the guidance from the true one, the Lord. It is that big and powerful that you simply cannot ignore the source of its good nature. God's love is irreplaceable; an incomprehensible gift to us from Him; so strong that His love cannot be hidden nor can the desires He places in each of our hearts.

To place an extra smile on someone's face; whether they are having a good day or an outright terrible day is that of such strong drive and desire in my life, that ignoring it would not only be foolish but downright unacceptable. A simple act of kindness could be someone's last memory and I know better than to assume the next day is a given, because each moment is a Heaven-sent gift. So the fact that I am in Walt Disney World making that dream a reality every day I go to work, makes this my happily ever after story....

I've been here a little under a month and although not every day is perfectly flawless, there is indeed some good in part of those tougher days. Whether it be as simple as the bus driving by the sign at Vista Way (another apartment complex) that has a picture of the fab 6 (Mickey, Minnie, Goofy, Donald, Daisy, and Pluto) reading "Have a magical day." Or, a day at work where you get to be a part of creating a magical moment for someone; having a child who is so excited to share with you what they just bought; or sharing a laugh with a guest; the journey is nothing short of spectacular.