Prayer Request

What is life? It's not an emotion, you can't touch it but you can experience it.

Is there any one word that defines the capacity of experience?

You can't put a limit on experience. Nor can you put a limit on your life. I don't care if an experience lasts for only a few minutes, the initial feelings it brought to you, the thoughts that flooded your mind, and the influence it had on that moment and your life are endless.

Jacob's feeding site is breaking down again. My parents didn't tell me until I came home Wednesday and I'm grateful because if they told me while away at school I would've had a breakdown for sure. It's a weakness that I certainly have to work on….but anyways, it's leaking a significant amount. I knew something was wrong when I looked at the pictures my mom sent me of him at his "Feast Day" at school. He had the binder on which has been off since he had the nj tube placed. Once that was removed, he had the bolus feedings and it was still off. I was also on the phone with my mom and I overheard in the background my dad in anguish saying "it's wet, It's soaking wet!" But today confirmed my fears and put my doubts to rest.

Jacob is not only leaking again but he's losing weight. He recently went back to his specialist who changed his feedings completely to compensate for the loss of protein (they were having a lot of trouble keeping his protein levels up.) I think about 2 weeks ago, he went back in to see his surgeon and wound up having to have sutures placed again. They have never worked before so why would they work now? All of the progress made; the healing of his site; it's deteriorating. And since his site is getting bigger and not smaller, they have placed the nj tube back in. It's not a painless procedure might I add...

It's times like these where I think about the moments where I was lazy or complained too much. Not wanting to drive to get groceries or having a professor testing us on material we haven't learned; all small "problems" if you look at the big picture. But if I'm being totally honest, they are not problems at all. As long as I do my best and put my trust in God, he gets me through anything and everything so school really shouldn't be that stressful, because it always works out in the end. I guess a small part of me confesses these things in hopes that it would change the outcome/reality with my brother. But realistically, I know it won't.

So with all said, he's not doing so well. Things could be worse but things could definitely be better. It's been a sad day. And we don't know what to expect next. Any prayers would be greatly appreciated. I'm not sure what God's plan is here….this little boy's struggle seems endless.

The Wannabe Facebook Status

This past weekend I've been really down in the dumps. Sure, I've had my moments of pure happiness only given to me by the grace of God but somehow I still allowed myself to feel sad. Homesickness has definitely been the biggest struggle and today it slammed me. I didn't cry (almost) but I woke up sad with a heavy, lonesome feeling. Not even the Disney Parade soundtrack cheered me up (okay I lied, Disney helped a little.)

In addition, I've had some financial struggles affording groceries; turkey slices and cheese slices is what I've been living on for the past 2 weeks. I mean, it's food so no complaints here! But I ran out of them today and I felt the physical effects of not eating. I didn't know what I'd be able to afford~ I figured more turkey and cheese slices plus maybe a frozen meal. I just needed to eat and that was all I knew. 

So on the way to Target  K-LOVE Radio was playing and at first they were talking about a man who had a deadly form of brain cancer and how he learned family was the most important thing in this life (besides God.) He said something along the lines that 'If things go well, I got to spend more time with my daughter. If things go bad I got to spend more time with my daughter." I almost lost it at that point because I am far away from my family and I understand how important they truly are. But then they mentioned this bible verse: "I have learned the secret to being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or living in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." ~Philippians 4:12

Not only did God give me some much needed strength to push on through but he helped me realize that I need to be content because it is all going to be okay; God loves me and that's absolutely enough. In addition, He helped me out food wise~ there was a big sale on most gluten-free products at the store today.  

Transition to adulthood

I encourage a happy life and stress the importance of family, yet here I am far away from my family. I'm feeling down tonight..well really it's been the last few days. I had a job interview this past week which got me thinking I should apply to more jobs. I just felt like God was telling me I should keep trying. I know my dreams, desires, and ambitions.

God also has instilled great confidence in me that I am on the right path (for now). That being said, the main source for my sadness is I can't have a job here in Charlotte and still go home to my family for the holidays. The more opportunities God puts in from of me, the more I have to tell my family I won't be coming…..

It just broke me because I had a very serious conversation on the pone with my parents about this. My mom was sad and she doesn't get sad that often, she's always the one telling me to get over myself (with good reason) but not this time. Both my parents told me to "do what I have to do." Well, what does that mean? It's being said in a quiet, melancholy tone so do I skip the job and go home? Or, do I actually do what I have to do? I'm telling you, this adult life is a great challenge.

I know God is going to take care of it all and there should be nothing to worry about. But indeed one of my flaws, I am worried. I've never spent a holiday alone. I don't even like being in Disney alone! Spending Christmas and Thanksgiving without the ones who mean the world to me? They aren't going to be around forever….

It's almost confirmed that I won't be going home for the summer and if I'm actually working, I won't be home for Spring Break or Easter either. This sounds like a bunch of guilt and regret seeping through the seams of a tied up heart. Yes to guilt but not to regret. If I tell the ones close to me in Charlotte, I know many will interpret it as in I want out of Charlotte. And that is absolutely not the case. I just happen to be in the part of the country where family is above all else; they actually have family day on Sunday. You eat big meals together and see extended family….what is that? It's new to me. The significance of all of this is simply just that the more involved I get in life down in Charlotte, the less time I get to spend at home. Is that really how it's supposed to be? God teaches me the importance of loved ones and how to live in the moment yet, I am not to be with them for very long? I don't understand. In fact, this entire blog post is a nightly prayer for me.

My family and friends are alive and well so what have I to complain about? I keep telling myself everything is going to work out just beautifully, as it always does with God at the center of it. But I cannot hold it in anymore, I'm still nervous.