It's all good

THIS IS THE LIFE! For the first time in many months, my biggest concern is school. I cannot even begin to explain how blessedly awesome that is! All of my brothers are stable and doing well. Usually we only get a week of that but it's been two weeks going on three! I'm grateful for every extra day God gives us with this new found freedom. I truly forgot what it feels like to have everyone in good health. You really cannot put a price on that.

That being said, Jacob was breathing on his own (without machines) on Sunday, my other brother with the infected lip is in school and absolutely thriving. My parents thought that his lip was going to give us serious trouble again but it seems to be holding for now. To continue with the good news, Jacob has started bollis feeding again! I'll try to explain as best as I can….

His nj tube had clogged and they went and removed it because the feeds he was getting through his g tube in his stomach (by machine) were staying in and there were no signs of leaks. After the nj tube was removed he started receiving the bollis. Basically it is just a giant plastic syringe that you put the feedings through. The syringe connects to a port opening in the g tube and voilà! Jacob receives his fluids, medications, and feedings. According to my parents he is much happier this way ( I think I would be to). The reason being, he is being fed all at once like most people are. With the routine machine feedings, he continuously receives a set rate of tube feeding over the course of 24 hours. His rate on the machine was 80. After his stay in the hospital they increased it to 95. Now, he doesn't even use the machine!

This truly feels like a fantasy to me. I was grateful and blessed (I still am) for the blessings given to me in hard times but now there's no thought of hospitalizations, surgeries, or doctors. It is the greatest feeling! My parents aren't juggling going back and forth between the hospital, work, and home. They can be with each other without having to separate and it's just too wonderful for words. I recognize that this may all be temporary but I'm enjoying it while it lasts.

I felt joy within me throughout the rough times in the previous year so I ask myself what's different now in good times? And in truth, I don't have an answer. God is constant, He has been there through everything, He's been here through the good and the bad times. In essence, whether you feel you're in a good or bad place, every moment depends on what you make it. The grace God offers you in bad times doesn't change in good times because He is always by your side; that will never change. So, the moment is really all up to you…it is whatever you want to make of it.

There's no real answer

It's been a while I know---

You can choose to live life depressed about the circumstances dealt out to you. Or you can be happy for what has been given to you and choose to bask in the glory of God's blessings. 

A week ago I willingly chose to be upset; I walked around campus late that night, in tears, out of fear and frustration. Things were like a water balloon; the world's circumstances can only "squeeze me" so much. The more hands involved in squeezing that balloon, the more likely it will pop. The more challenges dealt out to me, the harder it gets to relax and cope without exploding myself. I know this isn't about me but I can't deny that I feel affected by my brothers illnesses as much as everyone back at home. I've hesitated saying that because I don't want sympathy or empathy from that. I just want people to understand that I still have to work on my strength.

I'll start with Jacob first: He is doing well....for the first time in a while. His feeding site looks remarkable compared to what it has been; it is almost completely healed. His NJ tube did clog and my parents have begun feeding him through his g tube. So far, that seems to be working; no signs of leakage or damage to the skin. There's no guarantee it will stay that way because before I came home it had actually gotten worse again. But so far, he seems to being doing well.

My other brother: The hardest part for me is that I flew home two weeks ago for fall break and saw him....he was at white as a corpse, not super energetic, and not eating well. Anyways, I woke up that following Sunday I returned to school and had this gut-wrenching feeling in the pit of my stomach. I know my stomach pains....this didn't hurt like it was sick, it hurt like something bad was about to happen or was happening. My first reaction is always to check on family because nine times out of ten, that's the cause for it. But when I first texted my mom she said everyone was doing great. Then I thought it must be on my end; my abusive ex from high school trying to get in contact with me, a new, poisoness friendship, an illness I have....you get the idea. However, I called my mom that night for another reason and then the truth came out. My brother's lip is getting worse, the infection was never cured and he will wind up back in the hospital soon.

I think the most important revolution I've arrived at, is every time something happens like this, I spend less and less time sulking. The reason I say this is because I'm not perfect at moving on. I'm finding that every time someone proceeds to tell me that I'm strong and they don't know how I do it....being far away with all this going on; I'm reminded of what I actually am doing. Of course I think about it on my own and do struggle. But I tend to let it get to me even more so, when others tell me it. In a way, it brings the negative feelings back to the surface. Evidently people are not purposely doing this. I understand completely what they are trying to say but it's still hard. I find myself when trying to update people on the current situation that I still fight not to break down into tears. There's really no conclusion to this particular blog post. I am in the process of writing it; writing it in a sense that I'm presently working on getting my feelings completely in check.

Writing is my way to analyze and organize my life; I've gone through a lot of self discovery through the last few weeks. Too much to really blog about. In truth, I've been working on trying to put life's circumstances in a box, tie it up in a bow and place it (mentally) on a shelf. That way I could focus on the life in front of me. You see, it doesn't matter where I am in the world, what happens with my brothers would happen even if I were on the other side of the world. Distance isn't the main issue. It's the reason behind it all. Why my family? Why now? Why is it that my family has one week at best where hospitalization is not a factor? I don't know, I don't think I'll ever know. I've got to stop trying to understand why and start asking how. How do I balance this? How can I strengthen my relationship with God through this? And how can I help my family at home?