Maybe it was Heaven

There is something about the word "inspire" that just stops me dead in my tracks. The only way I can even attempt to describe it is similar to when you see the sun reflecting off the water from the window on a plane. That spot where the water and sun meet, looks like perfect crystalline, almost as if there were diamonds shimmering on the water.

Bare with me for a second, words can be beautiful. Not so much by their sound (you know, because who honestly says that.) But if you dig deeper under the surface, not only to the actual meaning but to what it represents, you'll find that a simple word can have a significant impact on people.

The top definition provided by dictionary.reference.com is:

Inspire: To fill with an animating , quickening, or exalting influence.

But did you also know that many of the definitions provided by online dictionaries either mention the word "divine" or use God as an example? How amazing is that?

The work God does through people inspires me...the people who are in a place that the Holy Spirit may work through them inspires me. To inspire is a gift and how could it not be? There is no such thing as negative inspiration, that would be temptation. Which is probably why I imagine only the light of Jesus when thinking of inspiration.

But what really got me thinking was an image God showed me while praying earlier this week. There have been some events on my heart lately that have been slowly chipping away at it. One night I was having a particularly hard time coping with them. I had just closed my eyes, to try and clear my mind and let God show me what He wanted me to see. So just like that, I was walking through a field of the most beautiful flowers; there was every color there; sky blue; magenta; bright yellow; shades of green; purple; and orange...so many! I didn't see the grass, but I saw the flower bed with grass and then I saw myself.

I was dressed in a white laced dress with my hair free flowing with not a single split end in sight. The red absolutely glowed. My eyes were the shade of blue they become when I am really happy, (I've been told they look like an ocean) and my smile was the way I smile up at God in the sky. Honestly, it must have been Heaven because I don't look good in lace, ever (haha it is true though, I don't.) Though, there was something so angelic and peaceful about that image. I couldn't ignore the bright light surrounding me; it wasn't where you could see an actual outline but my whole being was glowing, my skin almost pure white. The best part of that whole scene was that Jesus was right in front of me and I was walking towards Him.

I just remember seeing that and thinking 'this is who I want to be and how I want my life to look.' Pure; beautiful; and me running to Jesus knowing He will carry me through everything. In that paradise, I think I was finally living up to my name~ Celeste which means heavenly. Or the Spanish translation which is a specific type of blue; one often associated with Heavenly skies.

But there is even a greater part to this....the song that was playing through this entire setting. "Gabrielle" by Doug Hammer, brings me an overwhelming feeling of joy and contentment (I feel heartened just getting to write about it.) The melody continues to play over and over again in my mind and instantly brings me right back to this place with Jesus. I have never had a song do something to that extent before. To finish if off, there is no outside influences It was me and Him which is how it always should be. Of course there are many people in our lives but ultimately God gets priority. With that said, we tell each other we love Him but do we show Him we do?

Seeking Purpose in Life

Take one deep breath and feel the placidity resting contently in your soul. It's an overwhelming feeling of hope and love from God whose love you could never comprehend. Your next breath is so precious as it is another moment for you to experience the joy of knowing there is so much to live for in this life. Every breath you take, every step you make; the words you say; it's all an opportunity to to live for something extraordinary.

The truth is, I could write countless stories about the people I have met along my journey in Orlando and the lessons I have learned from my trials encountered. But that is my personal journey and there is little significance when your heart is open.  In other words, it is not "just" the people I have met or "just" the experiences that I have had. For it is in fact those moments I spend praying on the bus before the work day begins, or the nights spent reflecting on life struggles that give life purpose. If there was one thing that I have learned throughout my time here, it would be that everything in life is temporary. The only one who remains constant in our lives is God and His love follows us wherever we go.

It seems so simple, that a bright person would be able to grasp such a concept right away. But to my own dismay it has taken me until this very moment to realize the most awe-inspiring concept. It "clicked" in my brain that God is not a long distance friend that we have to worry about losing some day. He is for us and not against us and will never leave us.

Bad things happen, as it is just a part of life. Though reflecting upon some recent times, there is nowhere that I see myself getting through without God's help. It is wonderful to dream; have desires and passions that reach beyond what anyone can see. But those dreams will carry you to all different places, with all new people, for a certain amount of time. One place you may make home and unexpectedly you can find yourself away from that home in an instant. So where do you go from there? My comfort every day is not my familiar surroundings; it is not the coffee I look forward to drinking while waiting for the sun to rise. Although those play a role in making me feel comfortable I know that it is God who is my constant.

~Cocoa Beach, FL at dawn.

Will I ever learn? I want to.

Where have I been God? Here in Florida of course but really where have I been? So much of my day is consumed with thinking about what has to be done for the day and what I want to do after this internship ends. I think about a career, my future boyfriend, what state I'll be in...I daydream. Yes, those thoughts keep me going on some of the tougher days but then I get to times like these and I question why did I ever waste my time with those?

Here we are again with AJ and he is sick.... What do you mean he's not responding to antibiotics? Is that even an option? I know better than to ask You why but why God? Why my brother? This was everyone's worst fear, him getting an infection because this is almost what took his life the last time.

All of a sudden, those feelings of fear of the unknown, dread, and worry flood my mind. It is so clear in my memory of all those nights I'd sit curled up in my room crying, while mom and dad were rushing my brother to the emergency room. Or those times I would get a phone call away at school telling me he was in the hospital. Any chance I was given to not have to feel that I loved, and lately, I've had a lot of those moments. So seemingly, it is like I have been refusing to believe it could resurface.

But now, I feel like an awful person for focusing on me and my journey. I've made every day about myself and I am disgusted. Here's my little brother who has probably been in pain, which sickens me to the core and I'm all: Me! Me! Me!

Thinking back to these last couple of weeks, I only wish I would've spent more time with You; talking to You; praying to You; and enjoying Your presence. I thought I was being a good daughter doing what I had to do~ but that sounds more like the issue than the solution.

It's back to the basics: all I want is for my little brother to heal and never have this happen again. But right now, I just want the antibiotics to start working. It broke my heart when he cried after realizing I was no longer coming home after I left for this program and I love him so much. I love all of my brothers so much....

Tell me God....how can I be a better daughter to You? This is something I should be asking every day, not when things go wrong. That makes it even more of a problem. You have given me the tools to be a better person than I have been showing You I can be. Knock down all my pride Lord and show me the way to You. Your grace will lead me home...

Arms that Hold the Universe: Fee