A spiral downward

I want people to understand something and I feel that it needs to be clarified before I go even further. At the moment, it is difficult to continue to update about Jacob. Last Saturday his condition took a turn for the worst and is continuing to spiral downward. It is not a lack of communication it is simply that I haven't "conquered" the reality yet. Some may argue that that is not possible. But truly it is, it's fundamental to the quality of your days. When I find myself  worrying more about the future than enjoying right now, I know I'm not where I need to be. All it takes is a phone call from home, or for my mind to wander for me to tear up. And that cannot happen, I'm telling you it just can't.

I need to be able to get to the point where I accept what is, and make the best of what I have in that moment. Forget the school work, the stress of adulthood, the jealous people....I can handle that. I cannot handle this life/death deal quite yet. I guess in some ways I'm not supposed to, I'm all the way in North Carolina and I am no use to my family here. My greatest support for them is praying. I just keep telling myself that God has brought me back here for a reason. He's taking care of my family back home so I need to trust him and continue his work elsewhere. He doesn't need me to be at home, he needs me to be here.

With that said, there is absolutely no way that I would have been able to come back to school and carry on a "normal" life without God's strength. The one who is there for me during the lonely nights is God. And with that, I have a millimeter more of hope and strength than I did Monday. I'm holding on to that with dear life. It's not possible to come out on the other side; a better person; closer to loving like Jesus does without Him. I mean, He is the source of all of our happiness. That's my positive thought for the day. It's short and sweet; indeed things are hard again but they won't stay like this forever.

Bad news

I said that no news would be good news, so this news is not good news. I got a call from mom today about Jacob. We were doing so well with his site and the surgeons were so pleased that they were planning to put the mic-key button back in! In order for that to happen he needed to 'do well' for lack of a better term, with having his current tube clamped off. Every night for 4-6 hours he needed to tolerate the blocked access to the farrell valve bag. This would insure that his wound was healed enough to stop the flow of gastric secretions. However, I received the news today that doing that has put him right back to where we were at the beginning of the summer. My mom is having a difficult time stopping the secretions from reaching his skin...they are soaking through his dressing, the pad over his dressing, the sponge on that, the receiving blanket on top of that, and finally through his shirt. The last time this happened he went into surgery and they found that the secretions had reached the internal tissues. I'm kind of lost at this point; first day back to school, which is a break for me and I get this news. I'm not sure how to think right now but I can't help but wonder if my baby brother is ever going to get better. God has put us on a roller coaster for sure this summer; my family and I have expanded our faith and wisdom in more ways than I ever thought was possible. I live life in a new light and treasure every day. Yet through all of that, there is still a struggle. I'm nineteen, I don't have all of the answers, if any. My faith is concrete but I still deviate from the right path; I still question why Jacob isn't better yet.